Clark's 36 hour birthday...

Warning...this is a long one!!

Well...little Clark is now 36 hours old...Happy Birthday little sweetie! What a crazy 40 hours it has been. Below is an account of the past couple of days if you are interested. I think that the truth is such a liberator of fear. Since I was planning a natural, home birth as far away from a hospital as I could be, I feel inclined to share this adventure as it has been exactly nothing like what I wanted or expected yet has impacted me so greatly and cracked our hearts wide open. We are continually discovering the amazing power of love, trust and surrender.

Basically, I had a contraction around 5:30ish pm Wednesday night...we weren't sure that is actually a contraction. I prayed it wasn't! The monitor didn't pick it up, the nurse couldn't tell and quite honestly, it felt like gas. Around 6:30ish pm...it was confirmed...I was having contractions. At that time, I was checked with no dilation. They did an ultrasound around 7pm and there was absolutely no fluid around our little boy which he so desperately needed to keep him safe. We had to start preparing to deliver little Clark right away while Dr. Rothbart was on route. Around 8ish (just and hour and a half from the first check), they checked again and I had already dilated to 8CM (10CM is full) and Clark was on his way out. Although I still wanted to have him naturally at this point, they wheeled me into the OR just in case. He was coming out hand and shoulder first, was stuck and could not wait for me to dilate to 10CM. He was just too little and too weak to endure the wait. We had to prepare for an emergency C-section despite the risks to future pregnancies. Because of all the circumstances surrounding Clark, they thought they might have to do a vertical cut in addition to the horizontal, which could cause the uterine rupture in future pregnancies, meaning if we ever chose to try again, we could not go to full term and would have to have a C-section.

Needless to say, as you are being wheeled down a hallway, terrified about your son's super early arrival and fearful for his life, scared silly of an epidural and C-section, and aimlessly trying to locate your husband to help with some big choices (he was getting his scrubs on), it is lot to take in. Although I was a little stressed and there were people all around me, I just kept focusing on each breath and calmly said 'let's wait for my Doctor but put me where you need to so that we can act quickly.'

Dr. Rothbart arrived and just his presence put me at ease (as it has for the past week). He did a check and tried to move Clark into another position but it was not happening, he was too far down. He held my hand and looked right into my eyes as he relayed the risks in the softest, sweetest way...and I trusted him to guide me the right way and do the best for Clark and I and I told him so. They went to work on me with an epidural and lots of reassuring along the way. They told Jason he couldn't watch the epidural because dads would get dizzy and sometimes faint. Jason stood there like a bull and said, "I'll be fine, just do your part" (have I mentioned how awesome he is?). He watched the whole thing and was fascinated. I was talked to the whole time by hubby and the docs. I kept letting go of everything and went back to the breath, one at a time, in and out, each breath an opportunity for change. Each breath, closer to the truth. I just looked deep into Jason's eyes and felt so calm. Jason tried to peek over the curtain to see them cutting away, but his height wouldn't allow it. "I'm too damn short", he said. That's my baby.

Right at 9pm (I remember looking at the clock), I heard Dr. Rothbart say "hi baby!" I was so happy to hear those words. He immediately told me that he was able to avoid the 'future pregnancy risk incision' and was able to only go horizontal. He said, let's acknowledge any victory we can right now. A little 'yay' rang across the OR. Every bit of trust I placed in him, he honored. I am forever grateful to that man.

Once Clark was born, the amazing doctors of NICU (NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit) went to work. Jason was allowed to be right there in the middle of them and kept looking to me with so much love and positivity as they sewed me up and worked on our little baby. It was so refreshing to see Jason with a hand on the backs of two doctors, up on his tippy toes, looking at Clark and looking at me. Although he was all covered up in scrubs, his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He kept asking if I was ok as he gave me the play by play on Clark. He even got to cut the cord.

I have never been so thankful for my husband than I was at that moment. I had no fear because of the amazing team I was surrounded by. I kept surrendering completely, just allowing each moment to unfold. I knew that fear and panic would serve no purpose but to cause more fear and panic, for everyone, including our little boy. He needed the most positive energy that I had inside of me. So I kept completely focused on sending him strength and love. I had done the best I could and there was no need to resist any of what was happening or have any regrets. As much as we wanted him to stay in my belly for another 10-12 weeks minimum, this was his journey. This was what was right in front of us and the moment lent itself an opportunity to experience life at its fullest and grow into the depths of complete love and acceptance...which I hear is essential in parenting :)

The gift of yoga was so powerful during this experience...I was so grateful for the work I had done to prepare for this moment...the ability to stay focused on each moment, receiving each breath without distraction was so huge for all of us. To allow trust to enter me as I took slow deep breaths and focused all my love and light to our little boy and my husband. Jason was a rock star and there by both our sides the whole time, encouraging me, encouraging Clark...until it was time to follow Clark up to the NICU. He was stable enough and it was time to move him. They tried to wheel him over for me to see before his exit...I only saw the tip of his little nose. I assured Jason I was fine and insisted he go be with our tiny little boy and let him know he was loved, protected and safe.

I spent a couple of hours in recovery, in and out of consciousness...my amazing midwife by my side, helping me to process it all. At midnight, I was wheeled back to our room and spent every hour being monitored and tested...I was so drugged up and in shock over all that happened so quickly, I could not sleep. Thinking of Clark and talking to him kept me sane. 5 minute increments for 6 hours is all I got. It was a long night.

Clark has done great through this and continues to do so. The pediatrician (a recommendation by Rothbart), who we also love, came in to chat and say, although with little pre-mature babies, it tends to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back...Clark is doing amazing and that is enough for now! At just 25 weeks, our little boy was already breathing on his own and they were taking him off the respirator (an accomplishment that usually doesn't happen until around 29 weeks). He was 740 Grams which they say is about 200 grams bigger than his average age. That's our boy! A little fighter.

I finally got to go see him after all my IVs were pulled and I was stable enough to stand for a minute on my own...which was around 4pm. The long, long night and day...seemed nothing but a distant memory as I gazed at our son...a new moment...a new opportunity for love. We talked to him, and comforted him and placed a soft, light hand upon him to let him feel our touch. He is so little and connected to so many machines, poor little thing, but he is the bravest little soul I have ever seen. To see him calm down as we touched him...to see him wrap his tiny little fingers around Jason's pinky and hold on so tight as he relaxed everywhere else...I am sure you can imagine what that did to us. We are absolutely smitten.

So, I am here healing for a few more days. I pump every 3 hours so that we can freeze my milk and give to him when he is ready...and now, we wait...offering him unconditional love and comfort as he grows and develops and finds his way in this world. He will be here for probably at least 15 more weeks (which is what full term would have been)...we are so excited, honored and humbled to witness his growth and his grace...

I often say, "expect the best, but be open to magic beyond your wildest imagination." People often reply "but what if it doesn't turn out the way you want?" To which I reply, "at least the journey will be much more enjoyable if you think it is going to work out...it will motivate you to move forward joyfully with dedication and conviction, rather than with fear, doubt and dread." Had Jason and I feared all that has happened in this past week, we probably would never have wanted to become pregnant. Had we known the outcome, we would have dreaded each moment, causing us stress, worry and tension in every aspect of our lives. We expected the best...a beautiful, healthy pregnancy and a sweet, non-invasive, natural home birth. It didn't happen. Is what happened ideal?, no. Given a choice, would we have chosen this path?, no. We have, however, experienced magic beyond our wildest imagination...and we are MADLY in love...all 3 of us...