So, I had one of those days yesterday...which I am sure will be days of many. Overpowering emotions...lots and lots of tears...my darling Jason was angry...I was sad...to each other...we have never been sweeter. I sat on the floor with my head in my momma's lap and wept...and wept...and wept. For all the moms of the world...my heart goes out to you. It breaks my heart that I cannot take care of him right now...it breaks my heart to leave him at night....it breaks my heart to not be able to hold him. With each break of my heart...it grows bigger...cracking it wide open...
I had a raging nightmare...I can't even go into detail as it was too intense to recall...but I will say, it was one of those that paralyze you...Jason had to shake me awake...I was crying...and struggling to come out...he kept trying to get me to wake up...I heard him...but couldn't process what was happening, so I continued to cry and scream...finally, I woke up...and now, it lingers. You know when you have those dreams and they stay with you all day. It is still with me. I know it was a dream full of all the fears around what is happening with us...but yet it still lingers...dreams are like that. Shake it off, Christy...shake it off.
Clark is doing good...still having apnea (forgetting to breathe) and brady (slowing of the heart rate) episodes but they are not ready to give up and put him on a respirator yet...they want him to keep figuring it out. He gained some weight-40 grams! They are starting him back on feeds today...which is great.
I met with a lactation consultant yesterday who walked me through the process of what the next several months are going to look like. She said to expect Clark to be in the hospital at least until his original due date of June 4th...there is only this moment. My future is in 5 minute increments...it is all I can handle. I have been able to hold him on my chest 3 times since he was born. Those moments I cherish with all my heart. That little sweetie...so tiny...so fragile. The consultant assured me that once he is more stable, that I will be able to do this daily. It is part of the preemie plan. But right now he is still so young and needs to grow...so, I wait...patiently and just enjoy this moment, loving my husband, watching our son grow...because the next moment is a lifetime away...
Christy, I love you, I love you, I love you. I am sending sooooooo much love and working a meditation to shut the door on your nightmares!
ReplyDeleteThose are the three best moments of Clark's life as well. He will not forget. He feels your love and knows you and your voice and your touch. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteWe love you sweetie. You are strong and so is Clark. The nightmares will lessen. Following y'all with lots of love.
ReplyDeleteBarbara & Don
Thoughts of love and light your way...
ReplyDeleteLove Always, Heather
Bad dreams mean good things and your brain is just unraveling all the thoughts and fears of your day. It's expected... but you know what sweete, you woke up...it was just a dream and the reality is, he IS here and he IS doing great and just one more day it is already March... June will be here before you know it....remember each day he will get stronger and less fragile and each day is one day closer to bringing him home....just breath sweetie,you can do this, I believe in you and I love you very much...I'm just gona have to send you another baby Jason pix fix so watch for it XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteThe beautiful rainbow seen from your NICU view is beaming gloriously colored light down onto your growing-40-grams-a-day precious tiny miracle, so nightmares be damned and sweetest of dreams. It'll be sunny June before you know it!
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you the same thing I told your loving husband: it's okay to be upset, to scream and yell and cry, to feel helpless and vulnerable and even a little insecure. Think of all that you have been through in just one week! Clark is already 10 days old and 40 grams heavier! That, my sweet thing, is progress, and that "heart beam" outside the NICU window is a sure sign of positive energy! I am so happy that your mom is there to cradle you in her arms and when you cradle Clark in your arms, for whenever, or however long or short it is, he feels the way you do when your momma holds you! You never outgrow that kind of comfort. Sooooo, sweet thing, you hang in there, keep your eye on that heart beam that shines so bright outside the NICU window, and soon those awful nightmares will turn into the sweetest of dreams. ILY
ReplyDeleteChristy, each moment is precious and leads to another precious moment. Moment to moment is not a bad thing. It is bringing Clark closer to coming home. He knows you and Jason are there for him and he is getting stronger, 40 grams is wonderful!! Everybody has to learn to breathe. It will become easier, he is doing so well! Love to all of you, not to mention the heart beams we are sending...........smile, honey, you are a strong and wonderful mother. Tears are normal and very good for you. Dreams are dreams and a release for your emotions. You and Jason have a bond that is only made stronger every day. Clark can feel that, too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Christy! I feel so much of your emotions, Jason's too. Concentrate on the little miracles happening. You guys sound so great, strong, committed to each other and to Clark. It sounds like you get scared too. But that's ok. This is a bittersweet journey-tears and laughter.
ReplyDeleteI'll be "following" you guys as much as possible to see the little guy beat this and become the super amazing child he was meant to be. Don't forget to get him a red cape and blue tights! After all, he is your hero!