This whole experience has been one of surrender...letting go of all my ideas of what I thought my pregnancy was going to be...all my ideas of what I thought the birth was going to be...all my ideas of what the several days after birth were going to be. Surrender. To simply allow the unfolding...to trust. The yoga is working because we have been able to do this while still maintaining a positive attitude and finding lots of joy...all while deepening our relationship to each other and as parents to our son. Speaking of being parents...I get that it is exhausting being a parent...sleepless nights, lots of letting go...lots of trust...but I am ready to do all of that from home! The constant scheduling is exhausting...I have to schedule around driving 45 minutes with my pump schedule...but also scheduling around touch times in order to be able to hold my son. SO, if I wake up at this time, then I can pump at this time, then I can shower and eat...get the hospital at this time, so that I can pump again at this time, which will be just enough time to finish so that I can hold my son at this time. And now I am to the hardest part of this whole thing for me. Not being able to simply pick up my son whenever I want. You see, I was excited about all of it, but the bonding immediately after birth through the first 6 weeks of life...that was what I was the most excited about. There is this instinctual pull to my son...it is so primal and I cannot act on it by touching him, caressing him, feeding him, kissing him. It is a longing like I have never known. Anyone who has had a premature baby, I know you understand. Of course, I know I will get to when he comes home and yadda, yadda, yadda. I can intellectualize this all I want...and be very logical and practical about it...but this is something so deep. It is beyond being able to work it out in my mind...beyond trusting in my heart that the time will come...this is animalistic and it hurts...
So, this is why the non nutritive breast feeding is so important to me...it is a bonding experience that we have not yet been able to have. I am so impressed with the lactation team and their knowledge of kangaroo care and how the bonding of baby and mom is such a huge part of a preemie baby's developmental care as well as how important it is for a mother postpartum. They get it. Clark and I get to do this Thursday morning. The point is for him to taste something for the first time...to learn to suck and to swallow...to strengthen his eyes... and to have a positive experience and one that he is more in control of...a first for him...
So, although the bonding definitely does not look like what I thought...what in life really does? I will take what I can get...embracing what is before me rather than clinging to what is behind me...
I heard a great quote recently. "Wanna have a bad day? Try arguing with reality."
Beautiful. Perfect. Surrender.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that you are talking about this today because I just read this article this morning about The Art Of Surrender and it said ... be grateful that things occur in a timely manner, that is in your highest good even though you may not have planned it that way. Surrender to knowing that all is happening at the perfect time.....btw I like the quote too, kinda' puts it all in perspective huh! XOXO
ReplyDeleteGreat quote! I like this one too, "Good morning, it's God here... Relax, I will be handling your day and don't need your help."
ReplyDeleteSo excited for you for thursday. And so excited for the day when you can just pick him up without having to schedule it. That day is coming and it will be wonderful.
ReplyDeleteSurrendering is so good in so many levels for all of us, especially in unexpected times. You can also be grateful that you are organized, brilliant and grounded. These gifts are helping you manage through this (and be on time when you need to be). Hold on to the Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteSo many wonderful souls are drawn to your little family right now. What a blessing.