Happy 2 Week Birthday Clark Otis!!! (meant to publish this yesterday)

So today's blog will be about...pumping!
(WARNING: Might contain heavy doses of TMI - Too Much Info)

For those who've followed every single post (this will be 49), you will remember my regard of Christy's breast pumping as 'fascinating'! Now I, gleefully, explain to you why.

After Clark was born, almost immediately and as soon as Christy had the strength to sit up, she was advised to begin the producing breast milk. The first technique consisted of the 'Extraction Method'. Manually massaging each breast, in what the Lactation Consultant called 'press and compress'. To me, looked more like, 'squish and squeeze'.

By the way, how does one become a 'Lactation Consultant'? Is this something someone aspires to? Is it a job that men can wean their way into...pun intended. How do you introduce yourself at parties? I digress.

Also immediately, and here comes the fun part, the 'hospital approved' breast pump was introduced! Here it is right here. For those unfamiliar, this pleasant-yellow, contraption's soul purpose is to, well, suck air at such a pressure that when it's placed upon the nipple, aides in extracting the milk.
As you might have seen from the picture, from the yellow base are two, thin, clear tubes, about 3 or 4 feet in length. The tubes attach to matching extraction devices that look a lot like clear motorcycle handlebars with the end of a trumpet attached to the top. The trumpet bits are placed on the breast, the suction extracts the milk and 'swallows' it into a nifty attached container (handlebars). NOTE: the one's in the link looks rounded and whimsical. The containers Christy has are more cylindrical and officious. Just trying to be thorough here.

Okay okay, here's the really real fun part. When the trumpets are attached and the suction begins, it's the steady, rhythmic, pulsating of her nipples that has me captivated. Imagine those old Tex Avery cartoons, where the male dog sees a cute female dog and his eyes bug out super far! It's kinda like that, but on repeat! Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Excited! Not excited. Wow! Ooh. Wow! Ooh. Meep! Fyoop. Meep! Fyoop! Yes, it's hard to not want to make sound effects when I'm watching. I think I can hypnotize myself if I stare too long.

OMG, here's another batch of fun. The milk production itself! So, at first, Christy was only producing colostrum. Little drips before the eventual mother load. The drips were so few that we couldn't believe the machine would be enough to swallow them into the containers. So we developed a system. With trumpets attached, I would be at the ready with a spare container. When a drop would produce,Christy would release the device and I would be there to catch or scoop up the drop; collecting it neatly in the container and guaranteeing it's capture!
At one point I turned it into a game, commenting on each drip as it produced, like a track announcer at a horse race! "Annnnd right out of the gate, it's Boob Number One! Look at that drop! Magnificent! Boob Number Two, Righty, seems shy at the start but clearly anxious to catch up. Left Boob has a good drop, aaaand we got it! Oop, here comes Righty, catching up...got it! Left Boob is hitting a fierce stride, just look at that production! Got it! But wait, Righty is starting to feel the competition! It's a definite back and forth..."
Yeah, that just tickled us.
Eventually, when it got to pumping at like 4am, the game went from track announcer to just going: "Right...left...right..."

Now, the piece de resistance! To make Christy's job a little easier, we caught wind of a special breast pump bustier. A special bra with holes, perfect access for the trumpets, so Christy could now pump...hands free! So instead of looking like she's about to take flight, she can pump and read, pump and blog, pump and sip coffee...anything!
As you see, the trumpet ends of the device are inserted into the holes in the bra. At this point, before the rest of the device is attached, she looks like a Femme Bot. Once she's hooked up she's ready to go...even on the go!
Yesterday, to save some time and hug two birds with one arm, if you will (like my kind variation of a very cruel metaphor? You can take it), I installed the pump in my car, utilizing a nifty AC adapter, and Christy was literally pumping on the way to the hospital! Camouflaging her bare bosom with a lovely scarf, no one on the 101 was the wiser! And Clark was able to receive the freshest of fresh breast milk!

I wish she would let me take pictures and post them here for all to see, but I guess that would be for my amusement and not for hers. But thank you baby, for letting me blog about it. Truly, for me, one of the highlights of this whole shebang.

As long as I'm on a roll, I'll conclude with this one more bit of TMI. Can't wait for breast milk cookies!