After 9 weeks in the NICU, you tend to push out all the extreme stimulation and intensity...in a sense becoming numb to the NICU...the bells, the alarms, the xrays, the ultrasounds, the jaundice lights, the ventilators, the crying moms being wheeled up for the first time to see their babies...the commotion when a new baby arrives. This is all going on all the time in the NICU...so you push it away and do the best you can to just be there with your baby...being positive, loving and full of hope...then there is a day like yesterday...
I was holding Clark behind a screen and feeling so happy and in love. I heard a doctor on the phone. She said some things and then...'bring the mom up...no, just tell her she is coming to see baby'...I didn't think anything of it...Clark's bed is beside the phone and we always hear the doctors and nurses talking about stuff. A couple of minutes later, a doctor came behind our screen looking very sad and said...'it is a hard day in the NICU' to which I replied that it did seem more hectic than usual. He said 'these are the days I don't like my job very much...we have to deliver some bad news to a parent and we need to clear this bay.' It took me a minute...but then I knew. I started to cry...I quickly put Clark back in his bed, gathered my things and rushed out. All the doctors and nurses stood at the entrance to the bay looking so defeated as they waited for mom to be wheeled in...and tell her that her baby did not make it...
I cried for the mom...I cried for her baby... I cried for the dad...I cried for Clark...I cried for all the parents who have lost a child...I felt a depth of gratitude that I have never known and cried even more for that...I saw Jason...they had stopped him from going in...they had told him...he was on the elevator with the mom and had no idea what they were about to tell her...we cried...
This is the reality of the NICU...every time I think of that family...I cry...I cry...I'm still crying...
This is very sad and I'm sorry you and Jason happened to be there when that happened, it almost is like a wake up call, a reminder to count your blessings and feel assured your baby is doing just fine and getting stronger everyday...feel sad for that mother, that's what any compassionate person would do but that was yesterday... today's a new day sweetie... love you XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteHow sad! We can only trust in God's master plan and the beauty of the bigger picture. One day we will all understand everything.
ReplyDeleteClark is soooooo super cute as he fills out into his new body. I cannot wait to meet him and to see him with his parents. Miss you guys!
xo
I'm crying....and at the same time thanking my higher power for the miracle of Clark! There is no understanding the "whys?" when sad and/or glad things happen....one day we will know, but for now, we can only pray! Today, I will also pray for the sun to shine again in the hearts of the parents who lost their little one yesterday and that they will find comfort in the days ahead. There, but for the Grace of God.....I love you Clark!
ReplyDeleteOh hunny- I am crying too- love you and baby Clark and just said a prayer for that mama and all the mama's going through this! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteBreaks my heart because I know it all too well. The call in the middle of the night, "You should get down here. She is not doing well." The rush to the hospital. We were blessed with four full days with our baby. Thankful that she died in her daddy's arms rather than when we were gone. Thank you for your empathy for that family. We were so out of it - but I bet we had people like you looking on as we had the special isolated room for those four days. And the irony is that we felt so blessed and loved by God in the midst of it all. He sustained us and brought us the crew we have now.
ReplyDeleteLike Aunt Puddin't said - the sun did shine again for us. We found comfort. And for the grace of God - so thankful for Clark and his progress. God is good all the time. Love you guys (even though I don't know Christy at all and only know Jason from the yester years) and that Clark boy!
The heart break in unimmaginable. We love you and will say a prayer for the family.
ReplyDeleteYou can't help but cry. You can't help but feel that family's heartbreak. The mom and dad's pain is excruciating and you are there in the midst of it all. Your fears and your elation envelope you every moment. You and Jason are so compassionate and understand the tightrope that each family in the NICU walks on everyday. This is the saddest part of that world. Then there are the amazing miracles that take place and you and Clark are a part of that, too. You wouldn't be who you are if you didn't cry when you think of the precarious position everyone with a child in that room is in. With each passing day, Clark continues to blossom and grow. The families that are only beginning their journey look to your family as inspiration and they are so happy for you, too. It breaks my heart to think about what that family has gone through and sadly they are not alone. But, they are thrilled for Clark, you and Jason and the other families experiencing the wonders of the NICU. Life will go on. One of my favorite lines in a movie is..."the love you have inside, you take it with you." Their baby felt their love and it is right there in his heart. Love and heartbeams to you, Jason and beautiful Clark.
ReplyDeleteI have no words. Just crying.
ReplyDeleteJason and Christy,
ReplyDeleteAfter spending quite a while thinking of something to say right now, I can only say this:
Next time you get the chance, please hug Clark a little tighter and hold him a little closer for me.
I can't believe how much I love your precious little boy.
XOXOXOXO
Love and Heartbeams
Neal
Tears of sadness, tears of gratitude. xo
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