I tell ya...one look at that little guy...and all the exhaustion magically disappears. As Jason said...he is better than caffeine. It is so important that we celebrate...my husband and I just had a baby boy. We are so stoked. Despite all the obstacles...we have a son...we are parents! There is a LOT of happiness going around here. We sit by his bedside and talk to him, read to him (Jason is reading Harry Potter to him) and I could just sit and listen to that and watch Clark for hours. This is what it means to simply be...just enjoying the sacredness of our union...what we created together...merging of feminine and masculine...it's magical...and we are so blessed...we are a family...that's so AWESOME!
Clark is doing really great today as Jason posted! When he has an small dip...he is coming back on his own without arousal..meaning...he is figuring it out...that he needs to breathe. Smart one, that Clark. The nurses say he is a feisty one...but of course...Jason and I are pretty feisty ourselves! He is our little warrior...in there fighting. He looks like he is doing yoga...crossing his legs in easy pose...arching his back..kinda like matsyasana...so cute! He is digesting my milk...which is HUGE for a little guy like him. He gained 20 grams and is now 30 grams above his birth weight...a whopping 1 lb 11 oz.
Yep...today is one of the good days...and we'll take it...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tired but happy
Happy to report that 11 days after major abdominal surgery (aka C-section), I am feeling great and recovering very nicely. This whole thing did not turn out the way I wanted or expected that's for sure, but I am grateful for being super healthy prior to the surgery with all the yoga, whole foods, positive outlook and general self-care which has made my recovery very rapid. I am off all pain medications including ibuprofen. The medication served its purpose, but now it is done. This makes me very happy.
Yes, it is tough...hormones still raging. Exhaustion like I have never known. I was so jealous of Jason sleeping soundly last night while I woke every 3 hours to pump. The pump schedule is 7-8 times a day around the clock, with one 4 hour period during the night. Our whole day revolves around this. So, the yoga for me is to continue to let go of all that I envisioned and just really find joy in what is right in front of me. So, now I have found joy with pumping and it came in the form of a hands-free bustier. The difference is HUGE. I can read. I can take a sip of water or tea, I can make calls or type an email. This is my joy.
Being a yogi is not about always getting what you want...but how you deal with what you have...what is right in front of you. My reality is shifting. The 'immediately after birth, skin to skin bonding' that I so desperately wanted and still crave with my little boy is on hold. Patience. Acceptance. Our bonding looks different and will adjust as he grows. Patience. Acceptance. So, I have a choice...to be negative and miserable or to remain positive and joyful. I consciously choose the latter. Now, this is no easy task. Yes, I have my dark moments, days and nights (read yesterday's post-Days of Many and you will see what I mean). Or like this morning as I contemplate how to get the rest I need and move past the frustration,of interrupted sleep every night and try not to be jealous of hubby getting to sleep through the night...resisting the urge to turn on all the lights with some very loud music while jumping up and down on the bed...yep, it does cross my mind...love you baby!. I know that having a baby at home would be the same in the sleep department but it would be to nurse my baby, not to hook up to a machine...big difference. But, despite all this..I am happy. I am so in love with this little guy...I would do anything for him. I am so in love with all our family and friends...you make this so bearable for us. So, I must do the best I can...take care of myself...keep venting on the blog...receiving all the love from friends and family...and just take it one day at at time...one breath at time...inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...now, that's better.
Yes, it is tough...hormones still raging. Exhaustion like I have never known. I was so jealous of Jason sleeping soundly last night while I woke every 3 hours to pump. The pump schedule is 7-8 times a day around the clock, with one 4 hour period during the night. Our whole day revolves around this. So, the yoga for me is to continue to let go of all that I envisioned and just really find joy in what is right in front of me. So, now I have found joy with pumping and it came in the form of a hands-free bustier. The difference is HUGE. I can read. I can take a sip of water or tea, I can make calls or type an email. This is my joy.
Being a yogi is not about always getting what you want...but how you deal with what you have...what is right in front of you. My reality is shifting. The 'immediately after birth, skin to skin bonding' that I so desperately wanted and still crave with my little boy is on hold. Patience. Acceptance. Our bonding looks different and will adjust as he grows. Patience. Acceptance. So, I have a choice...to be negative and miserable or to remain positive and joyful. I consciously choose the latter. Now, this is no easy task. Yes, I have my dark moments, days and nights (read yesterday's post-Days of Many and you will see what I mean). Or like this morning as I contemplate how to get the rest I need and move past the frustration,of interrupted sleep every night and try not to be jealous of hubby getting to sleep through the night...resisting the urge to turn on all the lights with some very loud music while jumping up and down on the bed...yep, it does cross my mind...love you baby!. I know that having a baby at home would be the same in the sleep department but it would be to nurse my baby, not to hook up to a machine...big difference. But, despite all this..I am happy. I am so in love with this little guy...I would do anything for him. I am so in love with all our family and friends...you make this so bearable for us. So, I must do the best I can...take care of myself...keep venting on the blog...receiving all the love from friends and family...and just take it one day at at time...one breath at time...inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...now, that's better.
Sunday Morning Briefing
Less bradys.
Breathed organically (sans CPAP), for five mins!
Eyes are open looking at me right now.
He's better than caffein.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Days of Many
So, I had one of those days yesterday...which I am sure will be days of many. Overpowering emotions...lots and lots of tears...my darling Jason was angry...I was sad...to each other...we have never been sweeter. I sat on the floor with my head in my momma's lap and wept...and wept...and wept. For all the moms of the world...my heart goes out to you. It breaks my heart that I cannot take care of him right now...it breaks my heart to leave him at night....it breaks my heart to not be able to hold him. With each break of my heart...it grows bigger...cracking it wide open...
I had a raging nightmare...I can't even go into detail as it was too intense to recall...but I will say, it was one of those that paralyze you...Jason had to shake me awake...I was crying...and struggling to come out...he kept trying to get me to wake up...I heard him...but couldn't process what was happening, so I continued to cry and scream...finally, I woke up...and now, it lingers. You know when you have those dreams and they stay with you all day. It is still with me. I know it was a dream full of all the fears around what is happening with us...but yet it still lingers...dreams are like that. Shake it off, Christy...shake it off.
Clark is doing good...still having apnea (forgetting to breathe) and brady (slowing of the heart rate) episodes but they are not ready to give up and put him on a respirator yet...they want him to keep figuring it out. He gained some weight-40 grams! They are starting him back on feeds today...which is great.
I met with a lactation consultant yesterday who walked me through the process of what the next several months are going to look like. She said to expect Clark to be in the hospital at least until his original due date of June 4th...there is only this moment. My future is in 5 minute increments...it is all I can handle. I have been able to hold him on my chest 3 times since he was born. Those moments I cherish with all my heart. That little sweetie...so tiny...so fragile. The consultant assured me that once he is more stable, that I will be able to do this daily. It is part of the preemie plan. But right now he is still so young and needs to grow...so, I wait...patiently and just enjoy this moment, loving my husband, watching our son grow...because the next moment is a lifetime away...
I had a raging nightmare...I can't even go into detail as it was too intense to recall...but I will say, it was one of those that paralyze you...Jason had to shake me awake...I was crying...and struggling to come out...he kept trying to get me to wake up...I heard him...but couldn't process what was happening, so I continued to cry and scream...finally, I woke up...and now, it lingers. You know when you have those dreams and they stay with you all day. It is still with me. I know it was a dream full of all the fears around what is happening with us...but yet it still lingers...dreams are like that. Shake it off, Christy...shake it off.
Clark is doing good...still having apnea (forgetting to breathe) and brady (slowing of the heart rate) episodes but they are not ready to give up and put him on a respirator yet...they want him to keep figuring it out. He gained some weight-40 grams! They are starting him back on feeds today...which is great.
I met with a lactation consultant yesterday who walked me through the process of what the next several months are going to look like. She said to expect Clark to be in the hospital at least until his original due date of June 4th...there is only this moment. My future is in 5 minute increments...it is all I can handle. I have been able to hold him on my chest 3 times since he was born. Those moments I cherish with all my heart. That little sweetie...so tiny...so fragile. The consultant assured me that once he is more stable, that I will be able to do this daily. It is part of the preemie plan. But right now he is still so young and needs to grow...so, I wait...patiently and just enjoy this moment, loving my husband, watching our son grow...because the next moment is a lifetime away...
Friday, February 26, 2010
Heart Food
I always thought a Brady was one of eight family members on a particular 70s TV show. Now I know it also stands for bradycardia. Hey, learn something new everyday.
Here's a bunch of other NICU terms for those anxious to amp up their Jeopardy knowledge.
Felt pretty dark today. Like, Batman, dark. Just wanted to pick a fight with someone. I find I'm bitter-jealous towards every mom pushing a stroller down a sidewalk, or every dad with his rambunctious one year old in the seat of a shopping cart. Every mom-to-be with a belly so big, it's so clear she will deliver on her desired due date, receives a cold stare from me.
I made a random drop-by to a pal's pad, just to feast my eyes on their year old little boy...just to get a fix. Strange these feelings. Don't worry, I'm under control. No one got chewed out today. No wrath unleashed. Thank goddess for this blog, where I may vent such feelings. Cuz, you understand...don't you? What? Fuck off! Woah, sorry about that. See? I'm coming unhinged!
Got to work yesterday. Oh yeah, for those who don't know, I'm doing a new cartoon series. Every week I get to work with my new 'family' of peers. I'm so thankful for the job, getting to do something I love and getting to work with, who I can honestly say, some of my favorite people! I can't wait to show off what I do for a living to my little boy. I'm sure at first it will be to his dismay, but I'll try to judge if his interests would rather play cowboys and Indians than watch daddy on an old episode of Brisco County Jr. Though I look forward to the day, I'm sure as a teen, maybe nine or ten, when he'll want to have a screening of bits from Daddy's resume. Gosh, he'll be able to Google me. Type my name in YouTube and shriek with amazement, or cringe with embarrassment! Hah! Can't wait!
Today, there were many visits of love. A delivery of flowers. Home made risotto. A bag of groceries, including dog food for Molly. This evening one of our lovelies brought us dinner. A fave friend of ours sent some home-made cinnamon-pecan Babka Bread (Grandma Bread) and butternut squash soup, all the way from Virginia!
I remember when my father in law passed. After the funeral, the amount of food that was brought would have crippled any Vegas buffet! It was my first interaction with 'comfort-food'. How important nourishment is for the soul. Not just the food itself, but for whom and from whom and why it is to be provided. I recognize the importance of the Last Supper. How familiar and calming a death row inmate's final meal must be. In cartoons, you know you can never show sex, but you sure can exploit gluttony! When Shag and Scoob needed a break from being chased by the monster-of-the-week, no matter how close they were to getting clawed, there was always an abandoned kitchen full of sandwich items for them to feast upon!
Heck, there are even MOVIES centered around the comfort of cuisine! "Fried Green Tomatoes", "Chocolat", "Waitress", "Big Night", "Julie and Julia". The Food Network is porn for the hungry!
Last bit. One of the most amazing gifts we've received thus far, was from a Yoga Blend student, and a dear friend. She's a fabulous yogi and an equally fab school teacher. She 'assigned' her 1st Grade class to draw a picture for Christy, Clark, and myself. She delivered in a manila envelope a small stack of the most bee yoo tee ful crayoned illustrations of us, hiking a mountain under a starry sky, pictures of trees and flowers, Christy in a hammock with little Clark on her belly, another of what appears to be Christy in a hospital bed and me with a nurses cap on, tending to her. All made unique with little dedications...and several different ways to spell "Christy". Hee! I plan on scanning and posting these works of art to share with you all.
So amazing how one little life can bring so much joy and happiness to the community of our lives.
Hey, feeling better now!
Here's a bunch of other NICU terms for those anxious to amp up their Jeopardy knowledge.
Felt pretty dark today. Like, Batman, dark. Just wanted to pick a fight with someone. I find I'm bitter-jealous towards every mom pushing a stroller down a sidewalk, or every dad with his rambunctious one year old in the seat of a shopping cart. Every mom-to-be with a belly so big, it's so clear she will deliver on her desired due date, receives a cold stare from me.
I made a random drop-by to a pal's pad, just to feast my eyes on their year old little boy...just to get a fix. Strange these feelings. Don't worry, I'm under control. No one got chewed out today. No wrath unleashed. Thank goddess for this blog, where I may vent such feelings. Cuz, you understand...don't you? What? Fuck off! Woah, sorry about that. See? I'm coming unhinged!
Got to work yesterday. Oh yeah, for those who don't know, I'm doing a new cartoon series. Every week I get to work with my new 'family' of peers. I'm so thankful for the job, getting to do something I love and getting to work with, who I can honestly say, some of my favorite people! I can't wait to show off what I do for a living to my little boy. I'm sure at first it will be to his dismay, but I'll try to judge if his interests would rather play cowboys and Indians than watch daddy on an old episode of Brisco County Jr. Though I look forward to the day, I'm sure as a teen, maybe nine or ten, when he'll want to have a screening of bits from Daddy's resume. Gosh, he'll be able to Google me. Type my name in YouTube and shriek with amazement, or cringe with embarrassment! Hah! Can't wait!
Today, there were many visits of love. A delivery of flowers. Home made risotto. A bag of groceries, including dog food for Molly. This evening one of our lovelies brought us dinner. A fave friend of ours sent some home-made cinnamon-pecan Babka Bread (Grandma Bread) and butternut squash soup, all the way from Virginia!
I remember when my father in law passed. After the funeral, the amount of food that was brought would have crippled any Vegas buffet! It was my first interaction with 'comfort-food'. How important nourishment is for the soul. Not just the food itself, but for whom and from whom and why it is to be provided. I recognize the importance of the Last Supper. How familiar and calming a death row inmate's final meal must be. In cartoons, you know you can never show sex, but you sure can exploit gluttony! When Shag and Scoob needed a break from being chased by the monster-of-the-week, no matter how close they were to getting clawed, there was always an abandoned kitchen full of sandwich items for them to feast upon!
Heck, there are even MOVIES centered around the comfort of cuisine! "Fried Green Tomatoes", "Chocolat", "Waitress", "Big Night", "Julie and Julia". The Food Network is porn for the hungry!
Last bit. One of the most amazing gifts we've received thus far, was from a Yoga Blend student, and a dear friend. She's a fabulous yogi and an equally fab school teacher. She 'assigned' her 1st Grade class to draw a picture for Christy, Clark, and myself. She delivered in a manila envelope a small stack of the most bee yoo tee ful crayoned illustrations of us, hiking a mountain under a starry sky, pictures of trees and flowers, Christy in a hammock with little Clark on her belly, another of what appears to be Christy in a hospital bed and me with a nurses cap on, tending to her. All made unique with little dedications...and several different ways to spell "Christy". Hee! I plan on scanning and posting these works of art to share with you all.
So amazing how one little life can bring so much joy and happiness to the community of our lives.
Hey, feeling better now!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Roller Coaster
The word that keeps coming to mind is intense. Everything about this entire experience has been intense. I comfort myself by saying that Clark chose us as parents for his journey as he knew we could handle it...that he could trust us...that no matter how intense...our love would deepen and he could flourish...and so would all the love around us. And boy has it...little Clark is connecting us to so many of you...though his giant heart beams...I had no idea my heart could get this big...I feel love like I never knew...thank you little Clark...
So, back to intense...they told us "2 steps forward...one step back...be prepared." It is exactly that. Good news, followed by not quite so good, followed by good news and then more not quite so good. This is how our days our filled. Not so good-Clark lost 3o grams and is now less than his birth weight. Good news-he took his first poop and it was giant (I mean for his size anyway)-15 grams. Not so good-they took him off breast milk for now and he is back to IV because of all the air going into his belly due to the CPAP (we are learning the terms-this is the breathing apparatus that looks like scuba gear.) Good news-I can relax a bit about my milk getting to him for each feeding in between trying to come home and get some much needed rest and sustenance and get back to the hospital...which causes stress and slows milk production. Good news-he is down to one jaundice light. Not so good-his Billy level (what they cause jaundice) raised a bit. Good news-his lungs are doing great and all tests come back really good. Not so good-he can't remember to breathe on his own because he is just too young and little. I SO WISH I COULD STILL BE BREATHING FOR HIM...poor little guy. So, this is how it goes. All day, every day. And we are OK as you can be with it because we are assured by doctors, nurses and all the other NICU parents that this is the roller coaster of him growing outside the womb.
It is intense. One minute...joy...the next...sadness...one minute...laughing...the very next crying. I got to hold my little darling today. It was heaven...with him on my chest feeling his sweet little heartbeat and his tiny little fingers stroking my chest. HOLY SHIT...there is only this moment. Then he forgot to breath, arouse...he's back...and then he forgot again...arouse, arouse...more arouse...come on sweetie...he's back...and now, back to the incubator.
I have broken down in the arms of 'veteran' parents on several occasions. When they ask how are you with the sweetness of understanding and connection...I reply joyfully...I'm fiiiinnnneeee...as I move into tears and then into their arms as they hold me...telling me they know what I am going through and it gets easier. And I know this...I trust the process...I trust that this is our path and this is just the universe unfolding exactly as it should...we are loved...we are safe...we are one...
Till next time...
So, back to intense...they told us "2 steps forward...one step back...be prepared." It is exactly that. Good news, followed by not quite so good, followed by good news and then more not quite so good. This is how our days our filled. Not so good-Clark lost 3o grams and is now less than his birth weight. Good news-he took his first poop and it was giant (I mean for his size anyway)-15 grams. Not so good-they took him off breast milk for now and he is back to IV because of all the air going into his belly due to the CPAP (we are learning the terms-this is the breathing apparatus that looks like scuba gear.) Good news-I can relax a bit about my milk getting to him for each feeding in between trying to come home and get some much needed rest and sustenance and get back to the hospital...which causes stress and slows milk production. Good news-he is down to one jaundice light. Not so good-his Billy level (what they cause jaundice) raised a bit. Good news-his lungs are doing great and all tests come back really good. Not so good-he can't remember to breathe on his own because he is just too young and little. I SO WISH I COULD STILL BE BREATHING FOR HIM...poor little guy. So, this is how it goes. All day, every day. And we are OK as you can be with it because we are assured by doctors, nurses and all the other NICU parents that this is the roller coaster of him growing outside the womb.
It is intense. One minute...joy...the next...sadness...one minute...laughing...the very next crying. I got to hold my little darling today. It was heaven...with him on my chest feeling his sweet little heartbeat and his tiny little fingers stroking my chest. HOLY SHIT...there is only this moment. Then he forgot to breath, arouse...he's back...and then he forgot again...arouse, arouse...more arouse...come on sweetie...he's back...and now, back to the incubator.
I have broken down in the arms of 'veteran' parents on several occasions. When they ask how are you with the sweetness of understanding and connection...I reply joyfully...I'm fiiiinnnneeee...as I move into tears and then into their arms as they hold me...telling me they know what I am going through and it gets easier. And I know this...I trust the process...I trust that this is our path and this is just the universe unfolding exactly as it should...we are loved...we are safe...we are one...
Till next time...
Blogging from the Bedside
in a funny crossed leg position, foot resting on his knee. If he were
in a chair all he would need is a pipe, copy of Gatsby and a brandy.
Learning to breathe must be tough. I remember my first yoga class, how
the breath was so important. It was like learning to breathe all over
again. I guess it's not just his lungs that he's getting used to, but
the whole plethora of complex organs, veins, and matter that he has to
deal with as well. I wonder if it's as frustrating as figuring out a
recipe or putting together an engine or the fine complexities of a
computer chip.
Hey just now. His heart rate slowed. Stopped breathing again. But
Daddy was there to rub his feet and bring him back.
Saved your life again, buddy boy. That's three times now on my watch.
Oooohhh you're so gonna owe me big.
Yeah, blogging on the phone is tough. Just got a dinner offer. Gonna
take it.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Today Was a Little Bit Better
more love and healing to this little dude!
Still Brady episodes (forgetting to breathe), but less. They boast
tomorrow they'll remove the lights that reduce his jaundice so we can
see these pretty eyes full time.
More to come!
Interesting Fact
My momma got here last night...so happy to see her. I now know of the love she feels for me...I didn't know my heart could contain so much love...but now I get it. So, I didn't realize until today just how rough I was feeling and how drained I was. Yesterday, I sort of bottomed out...my mom was really worried as I wasn't looking so hot...not to mention how I felt. After a good meal...some much needed rest...and all the love that continues to pour in from family and friends...I am feeling sooo much better (and I look so much better too, much to my mom's relief).
So, interesting fact. I have an older brother...he is in TN and is healthy and happy, 3 kids. I have another older brother, but he died the day he was born. My mom reminded me last night that his birthday was...February 17, 1970. The exact same day and almost the exact same time as little Clark, 40 years later. Our little miracle...born on the same day as my older brother (Clark's uncle) who did not make it. Life is so magical that way...
Thank you all for supporting us through this...we are so grateful...we feel so loved and you all are helping us through this...
SO much love...
Christy, Jason and Clark
So, interesting fact. I have an older brother...he is in TN and is healthy and happy, 3 kids. I have another older brother, but he died the day he was born. My mom reminded me last night that his birthday was...February 17, 1970. The exact same day and almost the exact same time as little Clark, 40 years later. Our little miracle...born on the same day as my older brother (Clark's uncle) who did not make it. Life is so magical that way...
Thank you all for supporting us through this...we are so grateful...we feel so loved and you all are helping us through this...
SO much love...
Christy, Jason and Clark
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Message to Myself
They told us there would be ups with the downs.
It's absolutely normal for him to 'forget' to breathe.
He'll grow out of it.
He's not the only baby to experience this.
These little 'exhaustive episodes' are not detrimental to his healing process.
He's like his Mom. Thinking he's super human in a human body. He doesn't
know the meaning of 'take it slow'. Yeah. Absolutely. He's your 'Magic Baby'.
I mean, he's just been cocky. "Shoot, I can breath on my own!" He's thinkin'.
"I can breath on my...'yawn'...hmm, dreaming..." Whoops, time to
stimulate his back.
Do not pay attention to the monitors.
It has only been 6 days.
He is not the only baby to experience this.
He's strong. He's a fighter. This step backwards is expected.
Stay strong for him. Keep singing to him. Keep telling him
stories. Keep sending him Heart Beams. Keep touching him.
My heart has never been so open. I love him so much.
I love him so much.
I love him so fucking much!
Heart Beams...
Let's see...I just had major surgery...my hormones are kickin' from the birth...Sunday night was my first night home in 10 days...I am operating on so little sleep that I have no concept of days/times...only 3 hour intervals of pumping...I am on some pretty heavy pain medication...AND we have a tiny little premature baby that is not quite 26 weeks old...so, that's why I want to cry all day and night....oh, right!
Besides that...we're doing great...and I'm not being sarcastic ...we really are. One look at that big ole' soul trapped in that tiny little body and every singe bit of it falls away. How can someone so small give us so much energy and life? Every bit of tired...every bit of pain...every bit of worry...it all dissolves when we look at him.
When he was first born, Jason and I did a meditation that was to focus a chosen color of light (me-golden, Jason-red) and send it full power straight from our heart to his. We established what we have come to call 'heart beams'. It is our eternal link to our son. We stand on either side of his incubator and with laser beam focus, send our light straight into his heart. Then, we feel it come straight back to us. We tell him how that light is activated 24/7, no matter where we are. When he is afraid or confused or lonely...all he has to do is go to his heart and we will be there and we can do the same. This has been such a source of comfort for us when we are away from him. Either Jason or I will break down...and all the other has to say is "heart beams" and we close our eyes and turn it up full force. Amazing what that does to get us to the next moment. The closer we get to him, the stronger it is (although it is always going)...but we actually feel like we are being tugged towards him...we know, without a doubt, he feels it too.
If you are called to and it is joyful for you...you can do a little meditation of your own healing light and color...and send it straight to our little boy...we will be able to access it through him...connecting us all through heart beams...
Speaking of the next moment...Jason and I are really, truly...I mean on a deep, deep level...like, I am super serious...getting what it means to just be...and don't get me wrong, we have a great life and are so grateful and love every minute of it...but all the things we felt we had 'to do' in a day to feel some sense of accomplishment are so far in the background...really, this is all we have....right here, right now...and one glimpse of our son...one hold...one diaper change...one little bitty stretch of his tiny little arm...there is nothing in the world that can replace those moments and so we cherish them...with all our hearts...staring at our little boy for hours...it is sheer bliss-Ananda. Complete absorption-Samadhi. This is yoga...this is us surrendering...this is us loving...heart beams...heart beams...heart beams...
Besides that...we're doing great...and I'm not being sarcastic ...we really are. One look at that big ole' soul trapped in that tiny little body and every singe bit of it falls away. How can someone so small give us so much energy and life? Every bit of tired...every bit of pain...every bit of worry...it all dissolves when we look at him.
When he was first born, Jason and I did a meditation that was to focus a chosen color of light (me-golden, Jason-red) and send it full power straight from our heart to his. We established what we have come to call 'heart beams'. It is our eternal link to our son. We stand on either side of his incubator and with laser beam focus, send our light straight into his heart. Then, we feel it come straight back to us. We tell him how that light is activated 24/7, no matter where we are. When he is afraid or confused or lonely...all he has to do is go to his heart and we will be there and we can do the same. This has been such a source of comfort for us when we are away from him. Either Jason or I will break down...and all the other has to say is "heart beams" and we close our eyes and turn it up full force. Amazing what that does to get us to the next moment. The closer we get to him, the stronger it is (although it is always going)...but we actually feel like we are being tugged towards him...we know, without a doubt, he feels it too.
If you are called to and it is joyful for you...you can do a little meditation of your own healing light and color...and send it straight to our little boy...we will be able to access it through him...connecting us all through heart beams...
Speaking of the next moment...Jason and I are really, truly...I mean on a deep, deep level...like, I am super serious...getting what it means to just be...and don't get me wrong, we have a great life and are so grateful and love every minute of it...but all the things we felt we had 'to do' in a day to feel some sense of accomplishment are so far in the background...really, this is all we have....right here, right now...and one glimpse of our son...one hold...one diaper change...one little bitty stretch of his tiny little arm...there is nothing in the world that can replace those moments and so we cherish them...with all our hearts...staring at our little boy for hours...it is sheer bliss-Ananda. Complete absorption-Samadhi. This is yoga...this is us surrendering...this is us loving...heart beams...heart beams...heart beams...
Monday, February 22, 2010
A Text Blog by Clark's Daddy
- Hands are super dry from washing every time I enter the NICU.
- Clark routinely pees just as his diaper is being removed. He thinks he's hilarious.
- Comfort food goes a long way. (Thanks Nicole!)
- Suddenly, Mel Gibson's performance in Ransom no longer seems melodramatic.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Today is a good day!
What day is it? What time is it? Have I pumped recently? Did I take medicine recently? Ouch...I just had major surgery. Nurse checks vitals. Collect milk. Go see our little boy. Crash for a couple of hours. Eat. Cry. Laugh. Sleep. Try to blog and pass out in the middle of it due to medication combined with extreme exhaustion. Repeat. Now you are all caught up on my world for the past few days. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. Then add, Social Workers, Breast Pump Rentals, Insurance, Paperwork...it is madness over here. Oh and to top it all off...I had a MAJOR allergic to something they gave me here...my lips and eyes swelled to an unbelievable size and I was pretty much covered in hives. We decided to stop all medications (expect pain meds-see below) and fortunately, today is much better. Lots and lots of fluids to flush out whatever it was...talk about just being in the moment...just taking it a breath at a time and trying not to spiral into frustration and discomfort and confusion...
Any of you who know me, know that I am as natural as I can be and use food and herbs as my medicine. I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals at all...HOWEVER, if you ever have major abdominal surgery...I would not recommend trying to get off the meds as fast as possible. It just ain't smart. Yep, I tried to be a hero and not take pain killers...lesson learned. In Sanskrit, the word that comes to mind is Viveka...or discernment. I have discerned that pain killers serve a purpose and when used wisely are extremely helpful. Moving on!
As much as it is hard to see our little sweetheart hooked up to so many lines...and as much as people want to keep us prepared for 'the worst case scenario'...Clark is doing great and we are deliriously happy. Our hearts ache for this little guy. He is such a rock star and putting up such a good fight. He loves it when we are there...holding him, talking to him, reassuring him...you can see it...he just gets so relaxed and holds our pinkies tight. We got to hold him again yesterday on our chests...both Jason and I!! It was sheer bliss...feeling his heartbeat and warmth and him feeling ours. They encourage once we have held him to take the blanket we used, wrap it around my shoulders and go pump asap. It is amazing how much comes out after I have held him. Simply Divine...
Today is a good day! I am getting discharged....which means, tonight, I sleep in my own bed...hallelujah! So, the deal is...they say to plan for Clark to be here at least until his original due date of June 4th...minimum. SO, we have a long road ahead of us...but we are making a conscious choice on how we are responding to this...and it is with absolute positivity, humor, courage, acceptance and love. And it is working. Jason and I are really seeing what it means to live day to day, letting go of so much of the need to do...and focusing on just being. Being with our little boy...talking to him, changing his diaper, holding him, just looking at him, crying over his sheer beauty.
The nurses and doctors try not to give too much encouragement (always balancing the good with the bad) because it is so unpredictable with little preemies...but they all quietly lean in and say he is doing amazing...that he is a fighter and his progress is not the norm...that's our boy! Oh...and get this...he is breathing on his on with just a little nostril support (and he has that only in case he forgets to breath)...but they actually said..."it's weird...he's breathing a little too good...we never see this." Must have been all that pranayama we did together the first 25 weeks in my womb! My little yogi knows how to access his life force...mama taught him how :)
Any of you who know me, know that I am as natural as I can be and use food and herbs as my medicine. I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals at all...HOWEVER, if you ever have major abdominal surgery...I would not recommend trying to get off the meds as fast as possible. It just ain't smart. Yep, I tried to be a hero and not take pain killers...lesson learned. In Sanskrit, the word that comes to mind is Viveka...or discernment. I have discerned that pain killers serve a purpose and when used wisely are extremely helpful. Moving on!
As much as it is hard to see our little sweetheart hooked up to so many lines...and as much as people want to keep us prepared for 'the worst case scenario'...Clark is doing great and we are deliriously happy. Our hearts ache for this little guy. He is such a rock star and putting up such a good fight. He loves it when we are there...holding him, talking to him, reassuring him...you can see it...he just gets so relaxed and holds our pinkies tight. We got to hold him again yesterday on our chests...both Jason and I!! It was sheer bliss...feeling his heartbeat and warmth and him feeling ours. They encourage once we have held him to take the blanket we used, wrap it around my shoulders and go pump asap. It is amazing how much comes out after I have held him. Simply Divine...
Today is a good day! I am getting discharged....which means, tonight, I sleep in my own bed...hallelujah! So, the deal is...they say to plan for Clark to be here at least until his original due date of June 4th...minimum. SO, we have a long road ahead of us...but we are making a conscious choice on how we are responding to this...and it is with absolute positivity, humor, courage, acceptance and love. And it is working. Jason and I are really seeing what it means to live day to day, letting go of so much of the need to do...and focusing on just being. Being with our little boy...talking to him, changing his diaper, holding him, just looking at him, crying over his sheer beauty.
The nurses and doctors try not to give too much encouragement (always balancing the good with the bad) because it is so unpredictable with little preemies...but they all quietly lean in and say he is doing amazing...that he is a fighter and his progress is not the norm...that's our boy! Oh...and get this...he is breathing on his on with just a little nostril support (and he has that only in case he forgets to breath)...but they actually said..."it's weird...he's breathing a little too good...we never see this." Must have been all that pranayama we did together the first 25 weeks in my womb! My little yogi knows how to access his life force...mama taught him how :)
Step Right Up Read All About It!
three days. Yawning during intense procedures. Digesting food. What
next Clark Otis? "Gimme a few more weeks." He says. "Then, Bonnaroo!"
Sun, 21 Feb
He's off yet another ventilator and applied to a smaller, more comfy
one. A doc said to us "He's breathing well. A little too well." Hah!
Clark's got em all astonished!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Uncomfortably Comfortable
So another thing I've been expecting to feel as I progress into fatherhood, is this 'instant love'. That unequivocal feeling connection between the parent and their child. The first 40 hours lacked that. I was worried. Yet the dust has settled. The anxiousness and worry has subsided and in the void, suddenly, the greatest feeling in the world! A clear and present euphoria!
Speaking of which, this morning, I held Clark in my palms. He is being prepared for another procedure and I could not hold him to my chest, but I was allowed to place my hands in the 'greenhouse' and cup him in my hands. His head and shoulders resting in my left palm, his back and bottom fitting perfectly in my right. Christy, on the other side, cradling his head and gathering his feet together. I'm standing. My forearms resting inside the entry panels.
So, imagine you're at the mall, resting your arms over the second story railing, holding a bag of bath bombs each hand. I'm sure after a few minutes, fatigue would certainly set in, your fingers might fall asleep, and you'd probably be bored of holding the bags and decide, "Hmmm let's see what's new at the Apple Store!" That would be me.
Add this to the fact that I'm usually so ADD, that even the most fun of activities might leave me bored after a few minutes of repetition, I was astounded at how uncomfortably comfortable I was, holding my sweet boy in that precarious position. I held him for close to 50 minutes and I could have gone 50 more!
I'm also feeling an unparalell draw of energy and love to my wife. More so than I ever imagined. I went to breakfast by myself this morning, with permission, but couldn't kick the yearning (I know, sugary and gooey sweet, right!?).
Clark continues to impress the MDs! Christy is pumping as I type...fascinating...and at 3pm, we'll go upstairs and feed our boy!
PS - Anyone else watch Survivor on Thurs?! James' better slow his roll!
Speaking of which, this morning, I held Clark in my palms. He is being prepared for another procedure and I could not hold him to my chest, but I was allowed to place my hands in the 'greenhouse' and cup him in my hands. His head and shoulders resting in my left palm, his back and bottom fitting perfectly in my right. Christy, on the other side, cradling his head and gathering his feet together. I'm standing. My forearms resting inside the entry panels.
So, imagine you're at the mall, resting your arms over the second story railing, holding a bag of bath bombs each hand. I'm sure after a few minutes, fatigue would certainly set in, your fingers might fall asleep, and you'd probably be bored of holding the bags and decide, "Hmmm let's see what's new at the Apple Store!" That would be me.
Add this to the fact that I'm usually so ADD, that even the most fun of activities might leave me bored after a few minutes of repetition, I was astounded at how uncomfortably comfortable I was, holding my sweet boy in that precarious position. I held him for close to 50 minutes and I could have gone 50 more!
I'm also feeling an unparalell draw of energy and love to my wife. More so than I ever imagined. I went to breakfast by myself this morning, with permission, but couldn't kick the yearning (I know, sugary and gooey sweet, right!?).
Clark continues to impress the MDs! Christy is pumping as I type...fascinating...and at 3pm, we'll go upstairs and feed our boy!
PS - Anyone else watch Survivor on Thurs?! James' better slow his roll!
Dear Dads
Dear Fellow Dads,
You know all those times you told me that being a Dad is "the greatest thing ever"?
Yeah. I now honestly and truly know what you mean. Membership card is now pressed and in my pocket.
I can feel him. I can really feel him. Even from a floor and several rooms away, there's a clear and present connection.
Never been so sure of anything in my whole life.
Thanks for letting me know.
It's way cool!
Your fellow Father,
J
You know all those times you told me that being a Dad is "the greatest thing ever"?
Yeah. I now honestly and truly know what you mean. Membership card is now pressed and in my pocket.
I can feel him. I can really feel him. Even from a floor and several rooms away, there's a clear and present connection.
Never been so sure of anything in my whole life.
Thanks for letting me know.
It's way cool!
Your fellow Father,
J
Friday, February 19, 2010
Jason's Version
It was a dark and stormy Wednesday, February 17th, 2010. I was in the middle of my 75th one-armed push-up, the sweat stinging my eyes, when Christy leaped to her feet! Standing on the foot of the hospital bed, chest puffed, shoulders swung back in defiance, her gaze looking past me towards the heavens, she uttered in a Clint Eastwood-like whisper..."He's coming."
Or, basically "ditto" to Christy's last post. Hee. Hee.
Yes, it's been a whirlwind last many hours. More than 48 since her contractions began and as I type this, nearly 48 of Clark's external life on our planet! Yes, it was not what we planned, but I decided that if it were Clark's destiny to not play by the rules, then who were we to deny him!
First, I apologize to those I have not called back...the hours following Clark's birth were filled with many visits to the NICU, worrying about Christy, worrying about our belongings (there was a slight concern we would have to change rooms), trying to get sleep, helping Christy to the bathroom, helping her establish a lactation routine, blahbedy blah blah. Get me? I love you all and all the calls, e-mails, texts, Western Unions, have been so appreciated and felt deep within my heart. I love you all!
Second, woah...I'm so a DAD! Yay! He is so fucking cute! So tiny. So little. So fragile. Feisty. And as our pediatrician offered...'fantabulous'. Basically, he's here! He chose to be here now and now is how we will deal with him. I, for one, am relieved that Christy will not have to suffer being dormant in a hospital bed for the next few months. I am more than happy to witness Clark's nurturing inside of an incubator than in the comfort of mommy's tummy. We can literally watch him grow! He is in the absolute BEST care and I'm so confident we will take him home fat, happy, healthy, and strong!
Lessee...so last night was tough. Emotions swirling like a whirlpool, energy frenetic, sleep deprived. Yet the difficulty of seeing my son, so fragile and so vulnerable never enters my mind...there's just not enough room. Tears will pour at random times, during conversations, sometimes with just a thought. But every second I get to see him, I'm ecstatic! Christy, my love, my hero, continues to amaze and astonish me. She has healed so rapidly from such a major surgery, by this afternoon she was able (with my meager assistance) to actually walk to the NICU to see Clark. It has been such a pleasure to look after her and take care of her through this. She is so headstrong and amazing, I am quick to rely on her for everything. I take great pride when she must rely on me. Taking care of her is one of my favorite things! xo
This morning, after catching zzz's between three hour intervals of breast pumping (which is FASCINATING by the way!), Christy was able to take down some solid food and we both anxiously prepared for a trip up to see our boy.
Now, Christy was able to see him for the first time the night before and she seemed fine. This morning was very emotional. I think the helplessness of it all became overwhelming. We arrived and stood over Clark's little 'greenhouse'. A lovely Nurse we hadn't met yet had just started the shift, went over some vitals and then asked if Christy would like to hold him.
We were both aghast! Not that anyone said we never could, but we kinda automatically thought he would be hands-off for quite a while. The offer alone completed a transformation in Christy that I'm sure all you mothers out there will recognize. Her emotions calmed. Her poise shifted to confident. She prepared herself by peeling back her gown (it would be skin on skin), and sitting in the provided rocking chair with the patience of a Saint. The Nurse, every so carefully removed Clark from his perch and placed him on Christy's chest. He cried, and cooed, and calmed. His little head (about the size of a XL jawbreaker) rested on her, wrapped up in her robe, cradled in her arm. His free hand exploring the terrain of her collar bone. I was even able to inject a pin-drop morsel of our meager collectings of colostrum from Christy's breast. He took it in and swallowed, then adjusted himself; heavy and relaxed in the safety and warmth of our love. He even began to suckle on the back of his thumb! I sang Jason Mraz to him. Christy chanted. He soaked it all up and more!
I love this little dude!
The weight of this morning was lifted! We both were on cloud 9 all freakin' day! We know and have been told numerous times that this journey will be more than a roller coaster. There will be many humps. Downs with the ups. But days like today will get us through them all!
Sunday, Christy should be discharged. We will remain at the hospital to acclimate ourselves to our NEW, new home, the NCIU. Tuesday, Christy's Mom will arrive, who will be a big help to all three of us. I will return to work, auditions, and in between, every chance I get, join my family and together continue to feed Clark every ounce of affection we can muster.
Unfortunately, due to Flu Season, the H1N1, besides Christy and myself, no one will be allowed to see Clark. But you may call us, check in, come visit us, or this blog for more words, pics, and VIDEO!
Yup, workin' on one right now that I hope to post soon. But first...slllleeeep!
Psst...more pics here:
http://gallery.me.com/itsjasonmarsden#100228
user
clarkomarsden
pass
feb172010
Enjoy!
xo
Clark's 36 hour birthday...
Warning...this is a long one!!
Well...little Clark is now 36 hours old...Happy Birthday little sweetie! What a crazy 40 hours it has been. Below is an account of the past couple of days if you are interested. I think that the truth is such a liberator of fear. Since I was planning a natural, home birth as far away from a hospital as I could be, I feel inclined to share this adventure as it has been exactly nothing like what I wanted or expected yet has impacted me so greatly and cracked our hearts wide open. We are continually discovering the amazing power of love, trust and surrender.
Basically, I had a contraction around 5:30ish pm Wednesday night...we weren't sure that is actually a contraction. I prayed it wasn't! The monitor didn't pick it up, the nurse couldn't tell and quite honestly, it felt like gas. Around 6:30ish pm...it was confirmed...I was having contractions. At that time, I was checked with no dilation. They did an ultrasound around 7pm and there was absolutely no fluid around our little boy which he so desperately needed to keep him safe. We had to start preparing to deliver little Clark right away while Dr. Rothbart was on route. Around 8ish (just and hour and a half from the first check), they checked again and I had already dilated to 8CM (10CM is full) and Clark was on his way out. Although I still wanted to have him naturally at this point, they wheeled me into the OR just in case. He was coming out hand and shoulder first, was stuck and could not wait for me to dilate to 10CM. He was just too little and too weak to endure the wait. We had to prepare for an emergency C-section despite the risks to future pregnancies. Because of all the circumstances surrounding Clark, they thought they might have to do a vertical cut in addition to the horizontal, which could cause the uterine rupture in future pregnancies, meaning if we ever chose to try again, we could not go to full term and would have to have a C-section.
Needless to say, as you are being wheeled down a hallway, terrified about your son's super early arrival and fearful for his life, scared silly of an epidural and C-section, and aimlessly trying to locate your husband to help with some big choices (he was getting his scrubs on), it is lot to take in. Although I was a little stressed and there were people all around me, I just kept focusing on each breath and calmly said 'let's wait for my Doctor but put me where you need to so that we can act quickly.'
Dr. Rothbart arrived and just his presence put me at ease (as it has for the past week). He did a check and tried to move Clark into another position but it was not happening, he was too far down. He held my hand and looked right into my eyes as he relayed the risks in the softest, sweetest way...and I trusted him to guide me the right way and do the best for Clark and I and I told him so. They went to work on me with an epidural and lots of reassuring along the way. They told Jason he couldn't watch the epidural because dads would get dizzy and sometimes faint. Jason stood there like a bull and said, "I'll be fine, just do your part" (have I mentioned how awesome he is?). He watched the whole thing and was fascinated. I was talked to the whole time by hubby and the docs. I kept letting go of everything and went back to the breath, one at a time, in and out, each breath an opportunity for change. Each breath, closer to the truth. I just looked deep into Jason's eyes and felt so calm. Jason tried to peek over the curtain to see them cutting away, but his height wouldn't allow it. "I'm too damn short", he said. That's my baby.
Right at 9pm (I remember looking at the clock), I heard Dr. Rothbart say "hi baby!" I was so happy to hear those words. He immediately told me that he was able to avoid the 'future pregnancy risk incision' and was able to only go horizontal. He said, let's acknowledge any victory we can right now. A little 'yay' rang across the OR. Every bit of trust I placed in him, he honored. I am forever grateful to that man.
Once Clark was born, the amazing doctors of NICU (NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit) went to work. Jason was allowed to be right there in the middle of them and kept looking to me with so much love and positivity as they sewed me up and worked on our little baby. It was so refreshing to see Jason with a hand on the backs of two doctors, up on his tippy toes, looking at Clark and looking at me. Although he was all covered up in scrubs, his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He kept asking if I was ok as he gave me the play by play on Clark. He even got to cut the cord.
I have never been so thankful for my husband than I was at that moment. I had no fear because of the amazing team I was surrounded by. I kept surrendering completely, just allowing each moment to unfold. I knew that fear and panic would serve no purpose but to cause more fear and panic, for everyone, including our little boy. He needed the most positive energy that I had inside of me. So I kept completely focused on sending him strength and love. I had done the best I could and there was no need to resist any of what was happening or have any regrets. As much as we wanted him to stay in my belly for another 10-12 weeks minimum, this was his journey. This was what was right in front of us and the moment lent itself an opportunity to experience life at its fullest and grow into the depths of complete love and acceptance...which I hear is essential in parenting :)
The gift of yoga was so powerful during this experience...I was so grateful for the work I had done to prepare for this moment...the ability to stay focused on each moment, receiving each breath without distraction was so huge for all of us. To allow trust to enter me as I took slow deep breaths and focused all my love and light to our little boy and my husband. Jason was a rock star and there by both our sides the whole time, encouraging me, encouraging Clark...until it was time to follow Clark up to the NICU. He was stable enough and it was time to move him. They tried to wheel him over for me to see before his exit...I only saw the tip of his little nose. I assured Jason I was fine and insisted he go be with our tiny little boy and let him know he was loved, protected and safe.
I spent a couple of hours in recovery, in and out of consciousness...my amazing midwife by my side, helping me to process it all. At midnight, I was wheeled back to our room and spent every hour being monitored and tested...I was so drugged up and in shock over all that happened so quickly, I could not sleep. Thinking of Clark and talking to him kept me sane. 5 minute increments for 6 hours is all I got. It was a long night.
Clark has done great through this and continues to do so. The pediatrician (a recommendation by Rothbart), who we also love, came in to chat and say, although with little pre-mature babies, it tends to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back...Clark is doing amazing and that is enough for now! At just 25 weeks, our little boy was already breathing on his own and they were taking him off the respirator (an accomplishment that usually doesn't happen until around 29 weeks). He was 740 Grams which they say is about 200 grams bigger than his average age. That's our boy! A little fighter.
I finally got to go see him after all my IVs were pulled and I was stable enough to stand for a minute on my own...which was around 4pm. The long, long night and day...seemed nothing but a distant memory as I gazed at our son...a new moment...a new opportunity for love. We talked to him, and comforted him and placed a soft, light hand upon him to let him feel our touch. He is so little and connected to so many machines, poor little thing, but he is the bravest little soul I have ever seen. To see him calm down as we touched him...to see him wrap his tiny little fingers around Jason's pinky and hold on so tight as he relaxed everywhere else...I am sure you can imagine what that did to us. We are absolutely smitten.
So, I am here healing for a few more days. I pump every 3 hours so that we can freeze my milk and give to him when he is ready...and now, we wait...offering him unconditional love and comfort as he grows and develops and finds his way in this world. He will be here for probably at least 15 more weeks (which is what full term would have been)...we are so excited, honored and humbled to witness his growth and his grace...
I often say, "expect the best, but be open to magic beyond your wildest imagination." People often reply "but what if it doesn't turn out the way you want?" To which I reply, "at least the journey will be much more enjoyable if you think it is going to work out...it will motivate you to move forward joyfully with dedication and conviction, rather than with fear, doubt and dread." Had Jason and I feared all that has happened in this past week, we probably would never have wanted to become pregnant. Had we known the outcome, we would have dreaded each moment, causing us stress, worry and tension in every aspect of our lives. We expected the best...a beautiful, healthy pregnancy and a sweet, non-invasive, natural home birth. It didn't happen. Is what happened ideal?, no. Given a choice, would we have chosen this path?, no. We have, however, experienced magic beyond our wildest imagination...and we are MADLY in love...all 3 of us...
Well...little Clark is now 36 hours old...Happy Birthday little sweetie! What a crazy 40 hours it has been. Below is an account of the past couple of days if you are interested. I think that the truth is such a liberator of fear. Since I was planning a natural, home birth as far away from a hospital as I could be, I feel inclined to share this adventure as it has been exactly nothing like what I wanted or expected yet has impacted me so greatly and cracked our hearts wide open. We are continually discovering the amazing power of love, trust and surrender.
Basically, I had a contraction around 5:30ish pm Wednesday night...we weren't sure that is actually a contraction. I prayed it wasn't! The monitor didn't pick it up, the nurse couldn't tell and quite honestly, it felt like gas. Around 6:30ish pm...it was confirmed...I was having contractions. At that time, I was checked with no dilation. They did an ultrasound around 7pm and there was absolutely no fluid around our little boy which he so desperately needed to keep him safe. We had to start preparing to deliver little Clark right away while Dr. Rothbart was on route. Around 8ish (just and hour and a half from the first check), they checked again and I had already dilated to 8CM (10CM is full) and Clark was on his way out. Although I still wanted to have him naturally at this point, they wheeled me into the OR just in case. He was coming out hand and shoulder first, was stuck and could not wait for me to dilate to 10CM. He was just too little and too weak to endure the wait. We had to prepare for an emergency C-section despite the risks to future pregnancies. Because of all the circumstances surrounding Clark, they thought they might have to do a vertical cut in addition to the horizontal, which could cause the uterine rupture in future pregnancies, meaning if we ever chose to try again, we could not go to full term and would have to have a C-section.
Needless to say, as you are being wheeled down a hallway, terrified about your son's super early arrival and fearful for his life, scared silly of an epidural and C-section, and aimlessly trying to locate your husband to help with some big choices (he was getting his scrubs on), it is lot to take in. Although I was a little stressed and there were people all around me, I just kept focusing on each breath and calmly said 'let's wait for my Doctor but put me where you need to so that we can act quickly.'
Dr. Rothbart arrived and just his presence put me at ease (as it has for the past week). He did a check and tried to move Clark into another position but it was not happening, he was too far down. He held my hand and looked right into my eyes as he relayed the risks in the softest, sweetest way...and I trusted him to guide me the right way and do the best for Clark and I and I told him so. They went to work on me with an epidural and lots of reassuring along the way. They told Jason he couldn't watch the epidural because dads would get dizzy and sometimes faint. Jason stood there like a bull and said, "I'll be fine, just do your part" (have I mentioned how awesome he is?). He watched the whole thing and was fascinated. I was talked to the whole time by hubby and the docs. I kept letting go of everything and went back to the breath, one at a time, in and out, each breath an opportunity for change. Each breath, closer to the truth. I just looked deep into Jason's eyes and felt so calm. Jason tried to peek over the curtain to see them cutting away, but his height wouldn't allow it. "I'm too damn short", he said. That's my baby.
Right at 9pm (I remember looking at the clock), I heard Dr. Rothbart say "hi baby!" I was so happy to hear those words. He immediately told me that he was able to avoid the 'future pregnancy risk incision' and was able to only go horizontal. He said, let's acknowledge any victory we can right now. A little 'yay' rang across the OR. Every bit of trust I placed in him, he honored. I am forever grateful to that man.
Once Clark was born, the amazing doctors of NICU (NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit) went to work. Jason was allowed to be right there in the middle of them and kept looking to me with so much love and positivity as they sewed me up and worked on our little baby. It was so refreshing to see Jason with a hand on the backs of two doctors, up on his tippy toes, looking at Clark and looking at me. Although he was all covered up in scrubs, his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He kept asking if I was ok as he gave me the play by play on Clark. He even got to cut the cord.
I have never been so thankful for my husband than I was at that moment. I had no fear because of the amazing team I was surrounded by. I kept surrendering completely, just allowing each moment to unfold. I knew that fear and panic would serve no purpose but to cause more fear and panic, for everyone, including our little boy. He needed the most positive energy that I had inside of me. So I kept completely focused on sending him strength and love. I had done the best I could and there was no need to resist any of what was happening or have any regrets. As much as we wanted him to stay in my belly for another 10-12 weeks minimum, this was his journey. This was what was right in front of us and the moment lent itself an opportunity to experience life at its fullest and grow into the depths of complete love and acceptance...which I hear is essential in parenting :)
The gift of yoga was so powerful during this experience...I was so grateful for the work I had done to prepare for this moment...the ability to stay focused on each moment, receiving each breath without distraction was so huge for all of us. To allow trust to enter me as I took slow deep breaths and focused all my love and light to our little boy and my husband. Jason was a rock star and there by both our sides the whole time, encouraging me, encouraging Clark...until it was time to follow Clark up to the NICU. He was stable enough and it was time to move him. They tried to wheel him over for me to see before his exit...I only saw the tip of his little nose. I assured Jason I was fine and insisted he go be with our tiny little boy and let him know he was loved, protected and safe.
I spent a couple of hours in recovery, in and out of consciousness...my amazing midwife by my side, helping me to process it all. At midnight, I was wheeled back to our room and spent every hour being monitored and tested...I was so drugged up and in shock over all that happened so quickly, I could not sleep. Thinking of Clark and talking to him kept me sane. 5 minute increments for 6 hours is all I got. It was a long night.
Clark has done great through this and continues to do so. The pediatrician (a recommendation by Rothbart), who we also love, came in to chat and say, although with little pre-mature babies, it tends to be 2 steps forward and 1 step back...Clark is doing amazing and that is enough for now! At just 25 weeks, our little boy was already breathing on his own and they were taking him off the respirator (an accomplishment that usually doesn't happen until around 29 weeks). He was 740 Grams which they say is about 200 grams bigger than his average age. That's our boy! A little fighter.
I finally got to go see him after all my IVs were pulled and I was stable enough to stand for a minute on my own...which was around 4pm. The long, long night and day...seemed nothing but a distant memory as I gazed at our son...a new moment...a new opportunity for love. We talked to him, and comforted him and placed a soft, light hand upon him to let him feel our touch. He is so little and connected to so many machines, poor little thing, but he is the bravest little soul I have ever seen. To see him calm down as we touched him...to see him wrap his tiny little fingers around Jason's pinky and hold on so tight as he relaxed everywhere else...I am sure you can imagine what that did to us. We are absolutely smitten.
So, I am here healing for a few more days. I pump every 3 hours so that we can freeze my milk and give to him when he is ready...and now, we wait...offering him unconditional love and comfort as he grows and develops and finds his way in this world. He will be here for probably at least 15 more weeks (which is what full term would have been)...we are so excited, honored and humbled to witness his growth and his grace...
I often say, "expect the best, but be open to magic beyond your wildest imagination." People often reply "but what if it doesn't turn out the way you want?" To which I reply, "at least the journey will be much more enjoyable if you think it is going to work out...it will motivate you to move forward joyfully with dedication and conviction, rather than with fear, doubt and dread." Had Jason and I feared all that has happened in this past week, we probably would never have wanted to become pregnant. Had we known the outcome, we would have dreaded each moment, causing us stress, worry and tension in every aspect of our lives. We expected the best...a beautiful, healthy pregnancy and a sweet, non-invasive, natural home birth. It didn't happen. Is what happened ideal?, no. Given a choice, would we have chosen this path?, no. We have, however, experienced magic beyond our wildest imagination...and we are MADLY in love...all 3 of us...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
He's HERE!
Will post in more detail later. It's been an adventure for sure! Christy and Clark are recovering just fine!
Clark Otis Marsden
DOB Feb 17 2010
appx 9pm
12 inches long
1pound 10oz
cute as a button!
Clark Otis Marsden
DOB Feb 17 2010
appx 9pm
12 inches long
1pound 10oz
cute as a button!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Last night was lame
Today is better...I think. Last night, I was awake every hour on the hour...sweating one minute, throwing the covers off...and freezing the next, scrambling to get them back on. My throat was hurting so bad. Ironic, that I am pumped full of so many antibiotics, yet I get a sore throat. My comforts in the night...seeing my Jason asleep on his little cot and the steady rhythm of our little boy's heart...gently reminding me that all is well. Tomorrow will be one week since our arrival...each day, flowing in and out to the next, time is filled with medication, bathroom visits, typing a blog, reading, eating, and just sitting, staring into space. Jason said to me today..."it is so weird to see you just sit and do nothing...just staring into nowhere". To which I replied, "yeah, I guess you never have seen me do that, huh?" So, this is my new life. Nothing to do, nowhere to be...just looking forward to the little things.
Jason went home today for a few hours after helping me shower. Amazing how much I miss him already (it has been less than 3 hours). I got another doggie visit... this time a black poodle named Venus. She was super sweet and fell asleep across my legs. The owner of Venus is a yogi...we talked a bit...some other people came in to film me and the doggie for a volunteer video they are working on. Yes, this is the excitement of my day.
Clark has the hiccups right now as I type and it is super cute...he gets them a few times a day.
Lisa came by and brought me a sandwich...we laughed and we cried...she and I have been best friends since 2nd grade...as she was leaving Heather came in with a goji berry shake...we laughed and we cried...she has massaged one foot and is now off moving her car...and is coming back to massage the other...so excited! The love of friends is so sweet...
Jason went home today for a few hours after helping me shower. Amazing how much I miss him already (it has been less than 3 hours). I got another doggie visit... this time a black poodle named Venus. She was super sweet and fell asleep across my legs. The owner of Venus is a yogi...we talked a bit...some other people came in to film me and the doggie for a volunteer video they are working on. Yes, this is the excitement of my day.
Clark has the hiccups right now as I type and it is super cute...he gets them a few times a day.
Lisa came by and brought me a sandwich...we laughed and we cried...she and I have been best friends since 2nd grade...as she was leaving Heather came in with a goji berry shake...we laughed and we cried...she has massaged one foot and is now off moving her car...and is coming back to massage the other...so excited! The love of friends is so sweet...
Humpday #1
Lessee, we arrived middle of Thursday, so our 'humpday' I'd say was sometime Sunday. Yet today, dunno if it's cuz it's actually Wednesday, really feeels like a 'humpday'. Of course, it's 7am, I just got up. I'm probably being really unfair to today.
Poor Chris had a sleepless night. "Counting down the hours" she says. Plus her throat hurts. Plus she's leaking a mite. I am feeling particularly groggy, and I got me a good chunk of zzz's. So what's the big? Today, why do I feel so 'meh'?
Let's count the points here: Since our arrival, Clark has stayed put. Christy was freed from her IV rather quickly. She was allowed to take a shower. We've had a bevvy of visitors, cards, flowers, and a worldly supply of lovely e-mails, love, warm thoughts, and support! The doctors and nurses here have been so amazing (except for one...that's for another post). We're fattening Christy up with some great food, in addition to the 'institutionalized' fare she's provided.
I guess the bhavana in my mind is so bright and amazing I'm resistant to all 'humps'. Or I'm just a cry-baby, bed-wetter. Or I hate to see my baby in any form of discomfort. Or all of the above.
Watched "Howard the Duck" last night. First time in 23 years. Say what you will, I still think it holds up.
Poor Chris had a sleepless night. "Counting down the hours" she says. Plus her throat hurts. Plus she's leaking a mite. I am feeling particularly groggy, and I got me a good chunk of zzz's. So what's the big? Today, why do I feel so 'meh'?
Let's count the points here: Since our arrival, Clark has stayed put. Christy was freed from her IV rather quickly. She was allowed to take a shower. We've had a bevvy of visitors, cards, flowers, and a worldly supply of lovely e-mails, love, warm thoughts, and support! The doctors and nurses here have been so amazing (except for one...that's for another post). We're fattening Christy up with some great food, in addition to the 'institutionalized' fare she's provided.
I guess the bhavana in my mind is so bright and amazing I'm resistant to all 'humps'. Or I'm just a cry-baby, bed-wetter. Or I hate to see my baby in any form of discomfort. Or all of the above.
Watched "Howard the Duck" last night. First time in 23 years. Say what you will, I still think it holds up.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Nighty nite!
Jason here.
We're snugglin'...watchin' American Idol! Man, I really want that Asian dude, with the glasses, who sang that Adele song to go through!!! Guess we'll find out tomorrah.
Another day is gone. Another celebration! Each day Clark stays put is another day of victory! Tomorrow will also be victorious!
Stay til May!
We're snugglin'...watchin' American Idol! Man, I really want that Asian dude, with the glasses, who sang that Adele song to go through!!! Guess we'll find out tomorrah.
Another day is gone. Another celebration! Each day Clark stays put is another day of victory! Tomorrow will also be victorious!
Stay til May!
Day 5, 4:45pm
Physically doing great...all is going just as we want it to with nothing to report...think boring! Emotionally...well, that is a whole different story. Today has been a rough one. Really heavy. I miss things...fresh air, my dog, our bed, friends, students, teaching, my yoga practice. It is not so much that I miss them yet I suppose than thinking of being here for 3 months...then, the longing starts. So, I have to stay here with this moment and just appreciate all the wonderful little things that are here in front of me...which are so many. All this missing, is just longing for that which I cannot control. Amazing how the mind shifts and what is so pleasing. The food here is pretty damn awful...but let me tell you, at 3:30pm every day, I get a warm chocolate chip cookie and it is DELICIOUS. Now, at home, in my rigidity of diet and routine, I would never eat a HUGE, warm, gooey chocolate chip cookie everyday...but here, I can't wait for it. It makes me so happy and I eat it with absolutely no guilt. So, there. Inner child satisfied with cookie time every day.
Getting comfortable is a huge effort in a hospitable bed. So, the deal is, I am on bed rest with bathroom privileges...that's it. So, each time I get up to go potty, I have to unplug and then relatively soon after that, need to be plugged back in and find Clark, else the nurses get worried. But I do take full advantage and take a few minutes to stand, and breath while moving my arms ever so slowing up and down, following the slowest, deepest breath I can. That is my current yoga practice. Then I sometimes meditate for a few minutes...sometimes I chant or pull out a singing bowl. My practice has definitely changed. This is what life is made up of...constant change and all those 'things' are just attachments that I have made that are causing me to suffer because I miss them or think of how much I will miss them as time goes on. So, now I take my yoga to a whole new level. I create each moment by breathing slow and just allowing time for the creation of a little human boy to take place.
I am so in love with watching Jason do stuff. Cleaning up, feeding me, making his cot, making tea, folding things, talking to the nurses, working on his computer...all of it is so special. He is my main source of entertainment and I am his biggest fan! So much fun to watch him and fall in love with him more and more and more...I have nothing to complain about...I just have to break down my constructs of what I want life to be right now and accept what is in front of me.
OH and they have a volunteer program here where owners bring in their dogs as therapy! We got a visit from a most dashing Poodle named Max today...I instantly cried. He was so sweet and looked right into my eyes for a very long time as if to say "I know what you are going through and I am here to offer love" It certainly did a lot to lift our spirits. We hope to get doggie visits on a regular basis!
Stay tuned...more to come...
Love, love love...
Christy
Getting comfortable is a huge effort in a hospitable bed. So, the deal is, I am on bed rest with bathroom privileges...that's it. So, each time I get up to go potty, I have to unplug and then relatively soon after that, need to be plugged back in and find Clark, else the nurses get worried. But I do take full advantage and take a few minutes to stand, and breath while moving my arms ever so slowing up and down, following the slowest, deepest breath I can. That is my current yoga practice. Then I sometimes meditate for a few minutes...sometimes I chant or pull out a singing bowl. My practice has definitely changed. This is what life is made up of...constant change and all those 'things' are just attachments that I have made that are causing me to suffer because I miss them or think of how much I will miss them as time goes on. So, now I take my yoga to a whole new level. I create each moment by breathing slow and just allowing time for the creation of a little human boy to take place.
I am so in love with watching Jason do stuff. Cleaning up, feeding me, making his cot, making tea, folding things, talking to the nurses, working on his computer...all of it is so special. He is my main source of entertainment and I am his biggest fan! So much fun to watch him and fall in love with him more and more and more...I have nothing to complain about...I just have to break down my constructs of what I want life to be right now and accept what is in front of me.
OH and they have a volunteer program here where owners bring in their dogs as therapy! We got a visit from a most dashing Poodle named Max today...I instantly cried. He was so sweet and looked right into my eyes for a very long time as if to say "I know what you are going through and I am here to offer love" It certainly did a lot to lift our spirits. We hope to get doggie visits on a regular basis!
Stay tuned...more to come...
Love, love love...
Christy
Visitors!!!
Vince came by!!!
We got a Valentine's visit from Nicole and Kris!
Emilio!!!
Sarah dropped in...
...and schooled us in some Triominos!
Today's Routine pt 2
Jason here.
Lunch. Kosher chicken, yams, corn, brown rice, and some smushy little zucchinis.
Me: If you could sum up your lunch in a colorful way. What would it be?
Christy: Bland. That's not colorful though. (thinks) Poopy!
Me: Okay, if you could sum it up another way. Just a word.
Christy: Institutionalized.
Today's Routine
Jason here.
7:45am - A Big Gulp sized, plastic cup of ice water, with bendy straw, is delivered to Christy. Soon, breakfast will be delivered. Christy will most likely get up to pee. I will most likely get up.
8:05am - I fluff her pillows, straighten her sheets, and prepare her table for breakfast. Very groggy, and although the night is not without interruptions; night nurses checking vitals, Christy getting up to pee, then re-establishing Clark on the heart monitor, which usually sounds like a harsh ocean wave, I find my cot rather comfy.
8:20am - It's still early in the game and the transition of 'living' in a hospital still takes its toll. We deal with that emotionally for a few minutes. xo
8:30ish - Breakfast arrives. Christy, has already ordered from the night before on the Gluten Free menu, a modest dish of creamed corn, a tub of OJ, a box of Rice Dream, and a banana. I'll brush my teeth, plug in the hot-water kettle we brought from home (you gotta get one of these things), and prepare her morning tea. Once my face is washed, stretch out my back, and put on my comfys (yours truly usually sleeps nakie, but for the sake of the many nurses and staff, I wear undies), I'll decide what I want to eat.
Sometimes cereal. We have the means to make toast. I brought a coffee maker from home, so maybe Teacheeno. Today, I felt like a bagel with lox and cream cheese. So watched Christy eat for a bit, replace her food tray with laptop and/or books, then headed to Jerry's Deli.
9:00am - It's a short elevator ride and a quick jaunt to Jerry's on Beverly. Hey, it's Lisa Kudrow!
I guess Friends eat breakfast too. Order up. Mmmm, coffee while I wait. Take the bag back to 3003 Marsden Lane.
9:18am - We stare at each other. Belly's full, bouncin' to Clark's steady heartbeat. Another day ahead of us. Another day towards the good. Another day ahead of the bad. We soak in our gratitude for that. Then check e-mails. Read. Nap.
10:ish - One of our fave Nurses, Puja, brings Christy some antibiotic...today, she's freed from her IV! Yay!!!!
11:20am - "Clean the Bathroom and Mop the Floors" is her name. That's how she introduces herself. Which is ironic, because that's exactly what she does. In that order too.
11:50am - Doc Rothbart makes his daily visit. He looks like Danny DeVito...if Danny DeVito were of normal shape and size. His kind smile, sense of humor and reassuring 'tude is always a welcome sight.
11:56am - Christy pees. I fluff her pillows and straighten the sheets. She calls me "her fluffer" (blush). Before returning to bed, she enjoys standing. We do a quick asana practice. She's back in bed, I toss a pillow on her tummy and engage in Clark's first pillow fight...of which he retreats. Thanks to me, we have to play "Where's Clark?"
EXPLANATION of "Where's Clark?" - So Christy's hooked up to a heart monitor 24/7. Most of the time she finds Clark right away, but there are moments where after returning to bed from the bathroom, or even the slightest movement...he'll run off somewhere, behind her spleen or her bladder and she'll have to move the monitor around until we 'find' him again.
NOTE: The rest of this routine will be brought to you in real time.
7:45am - A Big Gulp sized, plastic cup of ice water, with bendy straw, is delivered to Christy. Soon, breakfast will be delivered. Christy will most likely get up to pee. I will most likely get up.
8:05am - I fluff her pillows, straighten her sheets, and prepare her table for breakfast. Very groggy, and although the night is not without interruptions; night nurses checking vitals, Christy getting up to pee, then re-establishing Clark on the heart monitor, which usually sounds like a harsh ocean wave, I find my cot rather comfy.
8:20am - It's still early in the game and the transition of 'living' in a hospital still takes its toll. We deal with that emotionally for a few minutes. xo
8:30ish - Breakfast arrives. Christy, has already ordered from the night before on the Gluten Free menu, a modest dish of creamed corn, a tub of OJ, a box of Rice Dream, and a banana. I'll brush my teeth, plug in the hot-water kettle we brought from home (you gotta get one of these things), and prepare her morning tea. Once my face is washed, stretch out my back, and put on my comfys (yours truly usually sleeps nakie, but for the sake of the many nurses and staff, I wear undies), I'll decide what I want to eat.
Sometimes cereal. We have the means to make toast. I brought a coffee maker from home, so maybe Teacheeno. Today, I felt like a bagel with lox and cream cheese. So watched Christy eat for a bit, replace her food tray with laptop and/or books, then headed to Jerry's Deli.
9:00am - It's a short elevator ride and a quick jaunt to Jerry's on Beverly. Hey, it's Lisa Kudrow!
I guess Friends eat breakfast too. Order up. Mmmm, coffee while I wait. Take the bag back to 3003 Marsden Lane.
9:18am - We stare at each other. Belly's full, bouncin' to Clark's steady heartbeat. Another day ahead of us. Another day towards the good. Another day ahead of the bad. We soak in our gratitude for that. Then check e-mails. Read. Nap.
10:ish - One of our fave Nurses, Puja, brings Christy some antibiotic...today, she's freed from her IV! Yay!!!!
11:20am - "Clean the Bathroom and Mop the Floors" is her name. That's how she introduces herself. Which is ironic, because that's exactly what she does. In that order too.11:50am - Doc Rothbart makes his daily visit. He looks like Danny DeVito...if Danny DeVito were of normal shape and size. His kind smile, sense of humor and reassuring 'tude is always a welcome sight.
11:56am - Christy pees. I fluff her pillows and straighten the sheets. She calls me "her fluffer" (blush). Before returning to bed, she enjoys standing. We do a quick asana practice. She's back in bed, I toss a pillow on her tummy and engage in Clark's first pillow fight...of which he retreats. Thanks to me, we have to play "Where's Clark?"
EXPLANATION of "Where's Clark?" - So Christy's hooked up to a heart monitor 24/7. Most of the time she finds Clark right away, but there are moments where after returning to bed from the bathroom, or even the slightest movement...he'll run off somewhere, behind her spleen or her bladder and she'll have to move the monitor around until we 'find' him again.
NOTE: The rest of this routine will be brought to you in real time.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Before and Later
Day 4 at Cedars
Christy here. So, we made it through the first critical milestone of 48 hours and now we are on to the next big milestone of one week. Each day that Clark stays in my belly, he gets stronger and stronger. He is acting as if nothing has happened at all, which is what we want. The doctor's goal is to bore me silly here at Cedars with nothing exciting happening the whole time. Why do we have to stay here so long? To monitor baby's heart 24/7, to ensure the placenta is working and he is receiving the nutrients he needs, and to monitor my belly to make sure there are no contractions or signs of labor...in other words...to be as bored as possible. However, we are making the most of it and embracing this whole doing nothing thing as much as we can. The early morning hours...when my mind drifts to 16 weeks of this...after struggling to find comfort all night while hooked up to monitors...yep that is the hardest. I have me a good cry in the mornings...then I move on. I just have to get through this hour...then the next. I can do this. All my years of yoga training have prepared me for times such as this and I am so grateful. There is nothing to do, no place to be, no errands to run. I just have to sit here.
Jason and I have always been madly in love...but, as he said in the earlier post, we are more in love than ever...a whole new layer of love is unfolding between us. We look at each other and our hearts crack wide open in absolute adoration and trust. His strength, patience, consideration, support, concern, positivity, determination, thoroughness, organization, humor and love are almost too much for one heart too handle...but fortunately, I have 2 hearts inside of me now :)
Today, has been very exciting already...I got to shower for the first time since being here. All the things that I am used to running around and doing and accomplishing seem so far away from the pure joy of being able to stand up, take a shower and wash my hair. It truly is the simple things. So, I must re-set my mind to just how simple life can be and enjoy this time while I have it.
Thanks to all of you for your love, your light and your blessings...we are receiving it all with such gratitude...
Stay tuned for more!
Christy
Jason and I have always been madly in love...but, as he said in the earlier post, we are more in love than ever...a whole new layer of love is unfolding between us. We look at each other and our hearts crack wide open in absolute adoration and trust. His strength, patience, consideration, support, concern, positivity, determination, thoroughness, organization, humor and love are almost too much for one heart too handle...but fortunately, I have 2 hearts inside of me now :)
Today, has been very exciting already...I got to shower for the first time since being here. All the things that I am used to running around and doing and accomplishing seem so far away from the pure joy of being able to stand up, take a shower and wash my hair. It truly is the simple things. So, I must re-set my mind to just how simple life can be and enjoy this time while I have it.
Thanks to all of you for your love, your light and your blessings...we are receiving it all with such gratitude...
Stay tuned for more!
Christy
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
(Click photo to make larger)Dr. Rothbart: "Yeah, so this happened...shit."
Jason here. Thursday, Feb 11, 2010, 'round noonish, I was alerted whilst in acting class of an emergency phone call from Christy. An instant, gut sinking kind of notification. Over the speaker phone, I hear her wavering voice: "My water broke." We're only 24 weeks into the pregnancy. This is not a good thing. I jammed out of there and met her at the hospital. It's now four days later. Don't worry...everything's okay. Our soon-to-be, bouncin' baby boy Clark Otis Marsden remains in mommy's tummy, free of stress, heart beating away. Christy, right now, sits in her hospital bed, in her hospital home...cuz she'll be staying here til Clark is born...due date, June 4th, 2010.Thought we'd blog about this experience because, well, 1: We're gonna be here a while, good way to pass the time. 2: Great way to keep our pals up to date with the dete's. 3: Inspired by "Julie and Julia". And 4: Why the heck not. I apologize ahead of time for run-on sentences and misplaced punctuation.
Today is Valentine's Day. Christy and I shared some Mandarettes, facing one another on her bed. She's propped up, I'm sitting by her feet, our food is neatly arranged on her 1 1/2' x 3', adjustable, hospital bed-table. An electric candle, flickers a warm LED glow (no real flames allowed...or incense...Nazis!), accentuating the red, heart-shaped novelty lights I placed about for some insta-romance. Purple and wine colored Indian saris are draped strategically to soften the flourescent light and distract from the tubes, baby monitors, bio-waste containers and anti-bacterial gel dispensers. I've since brought many items from home to transform the 'putty' and 'really?' to 'warm' and 'cozy'. We share a bite of ginger rice and mu shu pork, our hands, periodically meeting in comfort and support. Besides Christy's father dying in our arms, these last four days have been the most challenging of our entire relationship...and we've never been more in love than we are right now.
I certainly hope you enjoy this blog. Please, join us as we chronicle the every day trials of a once super-active yogini, teacher, business owner, guru, and goddess, who is now remanded to a hospital bed for four months! There will be amazing stories ahead, like: What position did Christy sleep in last night?! How many times did she go to the bathroom in the past thirty minutes?! The nurse said whaaaat?! Jason Vs the Valet! Spinach and yams...again!? Late night, loud, garbage bin, bag replacement! And...the new game, "Where's Clark?!"
Expect short posts, long posts, fun, funny, emotion, pics, video and more! And the big finale...Clark Otis Marsden hisself! Please subscribe, comment, and check often!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)