The word that keeps coming to mind is intense. Everything about this entire experience has been intense. I comfort myself by saying that Clark chose us as parents for his journey as he knew we could handle it...that he could trust us...that no matter how intense...our love would deepen and he could flourish...and so would all the love around us. And boy has it...little Clark is connecting us to so many of you...though his giant heart beams...I had no idea my heart could get this big...I feel love like I never knew...thank you little Clark...
So, back to intense...they told us "2 steps forward...one step back...be prepared." It is exactly that. Good news, followed by not quite so good, followed by good news and then more not quite so good. This is how our days our filled. Not so good-Clark lost 3o grams and is now less than his birth weight. Good news-he took his first poop and it was giant (I mean for his size anyway)-15 grams. Not so good-they took him off breast milk for now and he is back to IV because of all the air going into his belly due to the CPAP (we are learning the terms-this is the breathing apparatus that looks like scuba gear.) Good news-I can relax a bit about my milk getting to him for each feeding in between trying to come home and get some much needed rest and sustenance and get back to the hospital...which causes stress and slows milk production. Good news-he is down to one jaundice light. Not so good-his Billy level (what they cause jaundice) raised a bit. Good news-his lungs are doing great and all tests come back really good. Not so good-he can't remember to breathe on his own because he is just too young and little. I SO WISH I COULD STILL BE BREATHING FOR HIM...poor little guy. So, this is how it goes. All day, every day. And we are OK as you can be with it because we are assured by doctors, nurses and all the other NICU parents that this is the roller coaster of him growing outside the womb.
It is intense. One minute...joy...the next...sadness...one minute...laughing...the very next crying. I got to hold my little darling today. It was heaven...with him on my chest feeling his sweet little heartbeat and his tiny little fingers stroking my chest. HOLY SHIT...there is only this moment. Then he forgot to breath, arouse...he's back...and then he forgot again...arouse, arouse...more arouse...come on sweetie...he's back...and now, back to the incubator.
I have broken down in the arms of 'veteran' parents on several occasions. When they ask how are you with the sweetness of understanding and connection...I reply joyfully...I'm fiiiinnnneeee...as I move into tears and then into their arms as they hold me...telling me they know what I am going through and it gets easier. And I know this...I trust the process...I trust that this is our path and this is just the universe unfolding exactly as it should...we are loved...we are safe...we are one...
Till next time...
You are so beautiful. You are doing everything right. There is a plan! He chose the best parents in the universe.
ReplyDeleteHey, is it cool to comment on my own blog? Yes? Alright! Baby, I love your blogs! Your words are so right on. Not so good - yes, it's intense. Good - he's 8 days old! Not so good - he's still so freakin' new, long way to go still. Good - Getting to see him every day! Good - No matter what the downs, there is no question he is progressing! Good - He's sexy! Good - he's ours! Good - Heart Beams work! xo
ReplyDeleteYou are three cosmic warriors and this is only one of many lives you have all shared. I love your blogs too Christy - you are a rainbow heartbeam!
ReplyDeleteThis process is all GOOD even the bad, GOOD because he is recovering each time and a new GOOD experience comes from that. I know sweetie this isn't an easy time but so many other stories have come out of this event from people who went through what you 3 are going through now and all the stories I have heard or read about have Happy Endings. Hang in there love you're happy ending is almost here I promise XOXO
ReplyDeleteEvery word is perfect. Thank you for making the effort to share the story. So beautiful...
ReplyDeleteMy sweet things.....the words that you put on these pages are so inspiring, so full of love and tenderness. With all that you are going through, you still have patience enough to allow us to come in to your personal space and share the most incredible stories! I am so grateful to be a part of that, to be a part of your lives. With all of the good wishes, love and heart beams coming your way, although it will take time, the end result will all be worth it. I love you guys so very much! Always in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Kisses to the three of you.
Everyday I read, I find that I am growing too. Every night we send our heart beams. (so happy to have a name for it.)
ReplyDeleteOh mamma, I love you so much. xo
Christy, Jason, and Clark - you have so much love between you and surrounding you. There isn't a person reading this blog that isn't captivated by your story. It is a rollercoaster and I wish I could do something to smooth the ride for all of you. Just know we are sending our heart beams and all our love every second.
ReplyDelete