A Father's Lament

"Aaaarrrrrghh! Ahhh! Arrrrr! Aaaaargh!"

Is what my heart said when we had to leave him to go home tonight.

11 weeks ago...

11 weeks ago my water broke....11 weeks ago I experienced fear on a level I have never known...11 weeks ago I looked straight into the depths of Divinity...11 weeks ago seems like a lifetime away....it is amazing how life can change so drastically in just 11 weeks...ours certainly has...

We are just weeks away from him coming home...he is doing sooo good. Everyone in the NICU talks about how well he has done for being born so premature. Our little warrior. He now weighs 4lbs 13 oz...can you even believe it? He is up to 4 bottle/breast feeds a day now. He still has to get better at it and be able to take the full amount, but they are definitely giving him the opportunity to practice now. Once he can do 8 feeds a day with no residuals and no episodes...it will be time to come home!!!!!!!

...and then little Clark will be ready to go for Sushi (just check out his outfit)

Happy 10 Weeks!!!

Can't Be Distracted

A "visor" was implemented to keep Clark Otis (social butterfly),
focused on his task.

Hmmmmmm

Baby and Daddy contemplating...something deep and spiritual I'm sure...
Oh yes...and Clark is now 4 1/2 pounds!

Ridiculous

It's all becoming routine now. As Clark Otis continues his rise to power, it's pretty much just sleep, wake, eat. Sleep, wake, eat. With the occasional desat here, a poor excuse for a brady there. There's really been nothing too exciting to report. Both Christy and I have been busy this past week, forcing us to drive separately to visit the boy. We'd meet sometime in the afternoon, 'changing shifts', then reunite back at home in the evening. Just sitting by Clark's crib, f'in off on Facebook, checkin' e-mails, waiting to change his diaper, holding him until we can no longer hold our pee. Routine.

My new favorite routine is when we find Clark awake and alert. After a long snooze on either Daddy or Mommy's chest, his eyes are wide and he takes in his surroundings with fierce interest. His little hands will reach out and grab great big scoops of air. He'll grab in front of him, above him, clawing at whatever he can grasp. Usually this is the tube in his nose. Or his little hat. Or if I'm lucky, my pinky, to which he clamps on, fingertips white from his grip, and with all his strength pull me towards him! I call this our little tug of war, cuz I'll pull back, feigning astonishment at his strength and pretend to cry out in pain from his brute force! All the while, he continues to hang on; and I think, mocking me!

Thursday during his first PO (a hospital term for…Per Oral, or bottle feeding, or breast feeding in this case it was the bottle), he was a little tired, but managed 4cc's, while figuring out how to accept the feed, swallow it, and breathe all in nature's designed sequence. Today, he sucked down 16cc's of Momma's milk...

(SORRY, this just in…JUST NOW, as I sit here typing this, a charge nurse came by and announced that Clark is moving to bay 6!!! That's HUGE! Bay Six is the final frontier! The next step on his way to complete graduation! Yayyyy! Okay…derailed again…)

Aaaand we're back…so, yes, 16cc's, and with severe determination, showed off how well he figured out how to suck in the milk, swallow it down, and take a breath. Another event, so amazing to witness. So beautiful. I watched, fixated, filled with pride, love, and admiration. We predict next time he meets that bottle, he'll take that whole sucker down. Next stop…boobage!


At this stage in our adventure, in screenwriting terms, all loose-ends are being tied up and our hero, Clark, is coming into his own, ready to ride off into the sunset. There are still challenges along the way though, fighting off that pesky reflux for one, learning to eat on his own, figuring out the combination of suck, swallow, breathe. These can be daunting tasks for a hero who is only testing the limits of his power for the first time.

Lookin' at her boy from all angles! Because babies really focus on black and white, the staff, at this stage, will often put a picture of some B&W shapes for the preemies to look at. We decided to do the same thing. Except these 'shapes' are our faces!

Oh yeah…why 'ridiculous'? Well, that's what one of the doctors here called Clark. Yup. Sure did. Just yesterday, right to our faces. No, not the traditional intended definition of ridiculous. This particular inflection indicated pure respect and astonishment! Kinda like callin' someone phat, instead of fat! Or stoopid, instead of stupid! This doctor, who was present during Clark's inaugural entrance into our world, came by to visit and confided in us that Clark's rapid improvement was the talk of the NICU. A true 'miracle baby'. Looking at us with intent, making sure we understood, he leaned in, regarded Clark and said, "He...is ridiculous!"
Tears came to my eyes.

That was probably one of the best compliments…ever!

(This post was written last night, but not edited or uploaded til today. The latest news is, Clark, expertly accepted 29cc's via PO, er, bottle with nary an episode! And almost overnight, he looks significantly chunkier! We are currently in Bay 6, which is awesome! Very quiet, only four babies in here and we still managed to keep our preferred 'window seat'. Christy's holding him right now. Both, enjoying the peace! More to come!)

Cuteness overload PART 2

Crying...

Little Clark (well maybe I should say 'big' now that he is 4lbs 2oz)...so, Clark never cries...or very seldom does...and usually it is for a very valid reason...like when someone shoves a bulb suction up his nose, he'll let out a cry...wouldn't you?
When he got his immunizations on Monday (yet another area where I had to just let go...'k, I get it...life's about letting go!)...anyhoo, he cried a little tiny "ehhhhhhhh" on the first 3 and not a peep on the last 2. When we bathed him the other night...as we dipped him in the water...he started to let out a cry, but realized as he got in the warm water....that he liked it...so the cry never came.
Yesterday when I came in, he was wailing...he was blowing out his feeding tube through his nose...pulling and tugging at it and crying at the top of his itty bitty lungs...so loud that a nurse from another bay came in to see what all the commotion was. He was finally successful at yanking out his tube which meant another had to go in...which caused even more wails...a couple of bradys...then I picked him up and cuddled him...and he was soothed in less than 5 minutes. He just wanted to be held...he is over it...we can tell. He wants to come home so bad. AND wow...we want him home SO bad! Patience...trust...patience...trust...argh! I mean, patience...trust :)

Bottled Bathed & Happy

2 words...

4 pounds!!!!

That's right...Clark hit 4 pounds last night. He is getting bigger and stronger every day.

Today, Clark is the gestational age of 34 weeks (it is so hard to believe that he would still have another 4-8 weeks in my belly had he come full term). When I was pregnant, I was following a week by week calendar on what was happening with our baby...I would re-read the same week 4-5 times out of sheer excitement about the development of the little life inside of me that Jason and I created. I loved going to see my midwives and learning something wonderful and new...talking with them...hearing the stories of home births...listening to our baby's heartbeat. Every week when he would have been one week further along, I have my moment of grief...then I walk in and see his little face...let the grief pass through me and then I move on...

The physical therapist tried bottle feeding today but Clark was pretty tired and still needs a lot of practice to figure out how to remember to breathe as he sucks and learns to swallow...but it is a start. They will now practice once a day...Clark is so amazing...he'll have it figured out in no time!

9 Weeks

Cuteness overload...

The reality of the NICU

After 9 weeks in the NICU, you tend to push out all the extreme stimulation and intensity...in a sense becoming numb to the NICU...the bells, the alarms, the xrays, the ultrasounds, the jaundice lights, the ventilators, the crying moms being wheeled up for the first time to see their babies...the commotion when a new baby arrives. This is all going on all the time in the NICU...so you push it away and do the best you can to just be there with your baby...being positive, loving and full of hope...then there is a day like yesterday...

I was holding Clark behind a screen and feeling so happy and in love. I heard a doctor on the phone. She said some things and then...'bring the mom up...no, just tell her she is coming to see baby'...I didn't think anything of it...Clark's bed is beside the phone and we always hear the doctors and nurses talking about stuff. A couple of minutes later, a doctor came behind our screen looking very sad and said...'it is a hard day in the NICU' to which I replied that it did seem more hectic than usual. He said 'these are the days I don't like my job very much...we have to deliver some bad news to a parent and we need to clear this bay.' It took me a minute...but then I knew. I started to cry...I quickly put Clark back in his bed, gathered my things and rushed out. All the doctors and nurses stood at the entrance to the bay looking so defeated as they waited for mom to be wheeled in...and tell her that her baby did not make it...

I cried for the mom...I cried for her baby... I cried for the dad...I cried for Clark...I cried for all the parents who have lost a child...I felt a depth of gratitude that I have never known and cried even more for that...I saw Jason...they had stopped him from going in...they had told him...he was on the elevator with the mom and had no idea what they were about to tell her...we cried...

This is the reality of the NICU...every time I think of that family...I cry...I cry...I'm still crying...

Open Air Crib!!!

Kisses, anytime!
No plexi-barrier!
Love, easily accessible!!
And it appears we're not the only ones smiling about it!
Best day!!!

LOVE

I have experienced a lot of love in my life...but the love I feel for Clark...the word doesn't seem enough...I am sure anyone who is a parent will agree...it is a love so deep...so pure...so beyond words...

Clark is now 3lbs 12oz! I remember when we were praying for him to get to 2 lbs...it seemed to take forever...and now he is more than 2lbs over his birth weight. He is starting to fill out and has just cute little chubby cheeks...LOVE. He is still doing great off oxygen, although the reflux is still there...he is getting stronger and having less episodes. We called before going to bed to see how he was doing and found out that since he is now maintaining his temperature consistently, the nurse is moving him into a bassinet...so today when we get there...he will be in an open air crib!

This week we start trying to feed him through a bottle as well as by breast feeding (rather than the tube). This is the final frontier...once he is able to do all his feeding through either the bottle or breast...it will be time to come home. Of course this process does take some time. We start with one feed PO as they call it...and the rest will be tube feeding. Then we go to 2 PO feedings...and so on until all his feedings are PO. We basically have to teach him to suck swallow and breath and they are ready to start that at 34 weeks...it is when he would be learning this in the womb. Clark will be 34 weeks on Thursday. So much happening..it is amazing...he is amazing...

He has the greatest little personality already...and has these adorable little traits that melt us in to a puddle of pure delight...yep, he has us wrapped around his tiny little pinky...and we love it!
I pray that our little sweetie always feels the depth of our love...that he feels happy, safe, cared for and free to be himself. It breaks my heart to think of all the people in the world who didn't feel that as a child...

Oh and everyone in the NICU LOVES little Clark...of course...cuz he's AWESOME!

Not Sure What YOU Do On A Sunday...

Some Pics I Had Done Took

Latest from the Dad

-Going-
Tired.
Over it.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Yearning.
Routine.
Fatigue.

-Arriving & During-
Parking.
Washing.
Elation!
Holding him.
In Love.
Bliss.
Gaze.
Infatuation.
Comfort.
Protect.
Warm.
Tickle of little fingers.
Vigil.
Diligence.
Changing diaper.
Staring.
Shuffling.

-Leaving-
Tired.
Over it.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Yearning.
Routine.
Fatigue.

An Evening Content

8 weeks old!

Our little sweetie is 8 weeks old today...it seems like we are in the twilight zone...one day leading into the next...every day spent in the hospital...time floating by...watching our baby grow and get stronger...only able to move a few feet away from his isolette while holding him due to all the wires he is attached to...an interesting way to start a family to say the least...but wow...we are so in love with little Clark.

I came in today to Clark sans nasal cannula (don't have a picture yet)...he is now breathing without any help whatsoever. Our little warrior. He is still refluxing a lot, which causes him to desat...and occasionally brady. Today he seems pretty tired and uncomfortable...having more episodes. But imagine having help breathing for the first 8 weeks of your life...then...suddenly, you are on your own...oh and you only weigh 3.6 lbs and your have major reflux...not to mention trying to stay warm...yep, you'd be pretty tuckered out too. OH and he got his eyes tested today as well. It's a lot for one day. We are confident he will power through this transition.

Clark and I have been doing lots of bonding and it is beyond words...my heart aches for this little guy. He has such a little personality already and those hands-he is so expressive with those little hands! AND He knows things...he is teaching Jason and I so much already...for example-what is really important in life and worthy of attention and it is definitely not so many of the things that we thought...thank you Clark for waking us up to this moment.

Speaking of what is important...BATH TIME! We got to give Clark a bath the other day...and it was not the usual 'in the isolette sponge bath'...it was full on in a pink basin. We have seen some babies get bathed and they were not happy...crying and making a fuss. Clark totally dug it! He was completely in the water and not one little peep. He looked like a little frog..it was the cutest thing ever. He got his hair washed and I brushed it...which was just funny as there is not much to brush...but he liked it all the same!

Then, he got all wrapped up nice and cozy and feel into a deep, peaceful slumber...ah, the simple pleasures...

Last week was dark for me (I may blog about it later but not ready to relive it just yet)...this week...the dawn...after every darkness, comes the dawn...