Grr

Holding your infant son on your chest, watching his face turn a sick, ash-color, while two nurses you've never seen before rush in front of you, wiggling him vigorously, encouraging him to breathe…is not fun. Just in case anyone wants to try it. Not fun.
Another day of 'normal preemie behavior'. He truly is my little Superman. The challenge, for me, lately, is trying not to perceive that the NICU Doctors are treating Clark as a science experiment.

So, if you're a daily reader of the Chronicles, you might already know, the Docs upped his feeds to a whopping 24ccs. Great. We want him to grow. Yet, it seems as though every time they feed him, he starts to desaturate…even brady. Yesterday was an intense episode. I was getting pissed. Like, isn't it common sense not to over-stuff yourself? To not give such a large feeding into a stomach the size of Clark's fist? I flashed back to the times I decided to binge on a medium pepperoni pizza all by myself…then, shortly after, writhing in over-stuffed agony on my couch, cursing my gluttony and definitely felt like holding my breath and passing out would take away the pain.
Soooo, why do the equivalent to a preemie?! Not just a preemie…my preemie.

(Sigh)

Alright. I cried. I raged. I dealt. It's over. I reminded myself that just like you and I are completely different in biology, like you're allergic to shellfish and I am not, every baby is unique. Clark's situation is different from every baby that comes into the NICU and must be treated as such. It's obvious, the Docs are doing what they feel is in Clark's best interest. They even reduced Clark's feeds a bit, recognizing that 24ccs might be too much for him right now. He does digest it all, but perhaps a full tummy combined with a need to stool, and an uncomfy position, equals bradys and desats. I understand it's all part of figuring out the best recipe for Clark to grow.

There was a year or so when, for some reason, I became terrified of flying. I would obsess: "How do these things stay up here?!" Gripping the side of my too-narrow-even-for-me airplane seat, imagining a situation where the aircraft would suddenly snap in half and I would plummet into the arctic air. Then, one day I finally realized, those were just silly nightmares interfering with my daydreams. I made a decision that after every bit of turbulence, no matter how severe, if the Flight Attendants weren't worried…I wasn't worried.

I look at the nurses faces…if they're not concerned…I'm not concerned. As long as they're not wearing frowns or looks of confusion…I'm fine.

Clark had is little eyes tested today. "All looks normal. Will check again in two weeks."

Happy Six Weeks Clark!

Clark's first outfit!

Thanks to my cousins, Amber and Chelsea for this cute little shirt...won't be long till he outgrows it...

Someone else is tuckered out...

Bonding

This whole experience has been one of surrender...letting go of all my ideas of what I thought my pregnancy was going to be...all my ideas of what I thought the birth was going to be...all my ideas of what the several days after birth were going to be. Surrender. To simply allow the unfolding...to trust. The yoga is working because we have been able to do this while still maintaining a positive attitude and finding lots of joy...all while deepening our relationship to each other and as parents to our son. Speaking of being parents...I get that it is exhausting being a parent...sleepless nights, lots of letting go...lots of trust...but I am ready to do all of that from home! The constant scheduling is exhausting...I have to schedule around driving 45 minutes with my pump schedule...but also scheduling around touch times in order to be able to hold my son. SO, if I wake up at this time, then I can pump at this time, then I can shower and eat...get the hospital at this time, so that I can pump again at this time, which will be just enough time to finish so that I can hold my son at this time. And now I am to the hardest part of this whole thing for me. Not being able to simply pick up my son whenever I want. You see, I was excited about all of it, but the bonding immediately after birth through the first 6 weeks of life...that was what I was the most excited about. There is this instinctual pull to my son...it is so primal and I cannot act on it by touching him, caressing him, feeding him, kissing him. It is a longing like I have never known. Anyone who has had a premature baby, I know you understand. Of course, I know I will get to when he comes home and yadda, yadda, yadda. I can intellectualize this all I want...and be very logical and practical about it...but this is something so deep. It is beyond being able to work it out in my mind...beyond trusting in my heart that the time will come...this is animalistic and it hurts...

So, this is why the non nutritive breast feeding is so important to me...it is a bonding experience that we have not yet been able to have. I am so impressed with the lactation team and their knowledge of kangaroo care and how the bonding of baby and mom is such a huge part of a preemie baby's developmental care as well as how important it is for a mother postpartum. They get it. Clark and I get to do this Thursday morning. The point is for him to taste something for the first time...to learn to suck and to swallow...to strengthen his eyes... and to have a positive experience and one that he is more in control of...a first for him...

So, although the bonding definitely does not look like what I thought...what in life really does? I will take what I can get...embracing what is before me rather than clinging to what is behind me...

I heard a great quote recently. "Wanna have a bad day? Try arguing with reality."

Clark Otis Continues

Clark continues to thrive.

Docs boast that he's "not a priority".

Christy will begin non-nutritive feeding on Thursday (that's
right...nipple time!)

Another video is in the works!

A Gift from Garfield!!!

Among the many awesome treats we've been receiving, I wanted to share a bit that really tickled!

I've been a Garfield fan since as long as I can remember and for the last couple of years I've been working on the new animated projects, DVD movies, series, and such.

Last week we received an framed, Garfield comic strip, autographed by the man hisself, Garfield's creator, Jim Davis! Check it out!


(Jealous, Uncle Ed?!)

Just want to take this time to shout out and share some of the other fun items we've been so blessed to receive (this is off the top of my head right now, forgive me if I forget anything...oh, and a proper "thank you" will be provided to each):

MEALS! We've gotten breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, I mean home cooked meals, kids! Stuff like chicken cordon bleu, lasagnas (Garfield's fave), strogenoff, pastas, fritattas, famous egg salad, corn cakes, yummy salads, soups, salmon dinners, baskets of fruit; pears, apples, oranges, and more, chips, dip, nuts, home brewed BEER, cupcakes, and fancy home made breads, like Babka, from our pal Diana, in Virginia! Babka means "Grandma", and we were provided with three kinds: pumpkin, chocolate, and nutella! So good, we made a request for more!

CLARK CLOTHES! Most of which he won't quite fit into...yet, but lots of groovy duds for the little man! Especially love the fun, hand knitted, beanies! There's also been some monogrammed fancies, blankies, and more!

FAVORS! Pals have come over and walked Molly, fixed my leaky toilet, picked up our mail, brought groceries; hand soap, toilet paper, even kitty litter...for when the toilet paper runs out...kidding.

FUN! Creative gifts have consisted of, change for parking, stacks of $1 bills for...well, parking, Trader Joes gift cards, gas cards, lactation helping tea, stories, poetry, prayers, adding Clark to prayer lists, a "golden bubble of protection", and more cosmic, energetic healings like that!

Not to mention the deluxe array of heart beams consistently firing at Clark from all over the world! And we mean, literally, all over the world! We're so blessed!

Many thanks and love to all!

Off to see Clark-O in ten minutes! Can't wait!!!

Christy's Gonna Kill Me, But...

Couldn't resist.

Illustrated Progress

Appx 1 hour young.


5 weeks young.

The latest on Clark

Clark is doing really well. He looks amazing. They have upped his feeds to 20cc every 3 hours (just last week he was at 1cc)...they have been steadily increasing every day and he is tolerating them great! He is gaining weight every day. He is now officially 1 lb over his birth weight at 2lbs 10oz!! He is pooping on his own. They have just finished his last IV feeding, so it is all breast milk with fortifiers now-the fortifiers help by adding calories, protein, fats, etc (which is what the IV was doing). He is off the CPAP and he is super stoked about that...he cannot stand that thing. He is on nasal cannula 24/7 now and has been doing great with no Bradys, or DeSats...but since adding the fortifiers and increasing his milk volume, he is having a few episodes (all self-resolved which is good). The nurse said it is probably due the increased milk plus fortifier which can be harder to digest making him work harder, therefore lowering his heart rate, etc, etc, etc.

But all in all...he is doing really well! I get to hold him every day for a couple of hours and it is the highlight of my day. His Daddy also holds him almost daily and it is the highlight of his day too. Clark loves it...we can tell.

Oh and check out my little yogi in chin mudra...merging his individual soul with the soul of the universe...he is so in tune!


We know that all the love, prayers and heart beams from all of you is making a HUGE difference, From the bottom of our hearts...thank you!

Clark, Christy and Jason

Happy Five Week Birthday Clark Otis!!!

Oh yeah...I promised you pictures of Clark, sans mouth tube. This was on Monday night, late, shortly after tube removal. He was probably stunned at the sudden lack of cavity-object. First he explored the emptiness with the bend of his wrist, then those tiny fingers (so cute!). By the time I grabbed my camera all I was able to capture was the photo above, before he pressed up, placed himself face down, and started gumming his blanket.

I figured, maybe his binky would be more satisfying...it was.



Today's a good day. Love you Clark Otis!

Get what you need...

It has been almost a week since I have posted anything...the reason...'cause I am f'in' tired. I feel like we are running a marathon...a spiritual marathon. Everyone always says "God only gives you what you can handle"...really? Maybe there was a mix up in the filing system. Me? AGAIN? I'm kidding, please don't feel the need to give me some feel good, it's OK post. But seriously...

I have an incredible life, filled with incredible magick...an amazing family, a wonderful upbringing...I love my husband, our baby, our dog, my family, work, friends and students, our home...I guess it makes sense that in order to REALLY appreciate how blessed I am...I need to have challenges, so I can know the difference. My gratitude runs deep...my spirituality is being stretched to its outermost limits and it is challenging and beautiful all at the same time...I am feeling things I have never felt and I have been through and felt a lot! A friend the other day said..."nothing has ever been easy for you, huh?" Nope...I have had to work for every lesson...every growth...every relationship...every bit of health...but that is OK...because evidently, I can handle it...

Gotta share this funny story (although at the time it sucked...I could still see the humor through my tears)...yesterday started out great...breakfast with my girl, Nicole and then I was all set to do a car pump and then go run some errands. Side note: getting anything done outside of sleeping, eating, pumping, driving and visiting Clark is a HUGE accomplishment. Anyhoo...so, I was so prepared and ready to pump on the go and get some stuff done. Well, I tried the portable pump and it didn't work...just knowing that it HAD to be the batteries...I walked next door to a gas station and WAY overpaid for 8 batteries. Plopped them in and NOTHING...the battery pack was dysfunctional...that was all it took to set me off into a full on tantrum...and it wasn't just the fact that I now had to forgo all my errands and go home to pump, putting me to the hospital way later than I wanted...although that did really piss me off...but it was anger about the whole thing...ALL OF IT (again no need for consoling posts...I get it and am over it). I just want to share the power of releasing what's inside rather than holding onto emotions and stuffing them down which is so unhealthy and causes dis-ease and ultimately disease. See, being a yogi doesn't mean that you never feel anger...but rather is it appropriate?...can you express and then let go?...yes you can...and yes, I did. BUT WOW...it was a big one...a full on hissy fit. I was screaming and crying...I was even hoarse most of the day...NOW, that is some serious release. In the middle of it I even giggled a couple of times...because I could see the humor in it...but I just needed to express...and I just kept going and going. I had played a song earlier that morning...and since I had made the decision to just go with my anger and really feel it...I played the song again...The Rolling Stones..."you can't always get what you want...no you can't always get what you want...but if you try some time, you just might find...you get what you need..." How poetic, how true...you can't always get what you want and this is definitely not what I wanted...but I suppose it is what I need...

I was crying and giggling the whole time, it was such an amazing release...and now I am over it...moved on and now I feel great!!!! Baby Clark is doing so good...2 lbs and 8oz...now taking 10cc every 3 hours of my milk...woohoo! I get to hold him every day for 1.5-2 hours...and it is the best medicine...I'm like, "anger, what's that?????"

Daddy on Location pt 5 - The Return

Shooting was fun today. Man, I do love being on a set. My pals invited me to participate in a short film they were producing about a Dungeons and Dragons game that goes...awry. Drove up to Santa Barbara last night. Shared a large cabin with 25 other cast and crew, had some dinner, some drinks and were off to bed. With so many peeps, they allocated floor space for sleeping bags and air mattresses. It was like a military slumber party. Except the chorus of snores were not to my liking, so I moved my bedding...outside in the back of my SUV. It was cold...but it was also quiet!
Got up super freakin' early, like 7am, then spent all day atop the beautiful Santa Barbara mountains makin' movies! The views were breathtaking. Panoramic greenery, clouds, nature, blue sky! I think if I jumped up high enough, I could have touched the sun.

Speaking of touching the son...even though a good time was had, I couldn't wait to get back to see Clark. I've allowed myself to continue to work as long as I get to see my boy at least once a day. Luckily, my profession allows that luxury.

I made it back to the NICU just in time to change Clark's little diaper, take his temp...oh, heard he gained some more grams AND he's takin' in 8, count 'em, EIGHT CCs of momma's milk! Yay. It seems that the docs are pretty aggressive with him and I like it! He retains no residuals, but still hasn't pooped. He seems to like to save it up for a nice, big, payout.
And to my surprise, tonight's nurse asked if I wanted to do some skin to skin. The nurses are sooo different, you never know what each one has in store, so I was taken aback! My mind instantly jumped to the whole anti-bacterial precautions plastered about the NICU: "Well, I was out in the Santa Barbara nature all day...I did shower, so I'm clean...hm, I guess...well...YES!" Jeeze Louise, what's my problem? I DID shower, I didn't catch any cooties, and besides, the mass amounts of vitamin D I absorbed atop the mountain will probably do Clark some good.
I stripped, bare chest, and placed the little dude on me. Oh man...it just busts my buttons how amazing that feels. I got to hold him for over an hour! We talked. I told him about my day. Sang some songs to him (a little Tenacious D this time). Dozed here and there, cuz I'm pretty friggin' tired. Then, regretfully, I had to have him placed back in his Giraffe so daddy could blog and catch some ZZZs.
After I finished washing my hands...again...I returned to find that the nurse yanked the feeding tube from Clark's belly (he had already done most of it himself) in anticipation to replace it, this time more comfortably. It was loose and he was gagging on it from time to time...so her wanting to replace it was a good thing.
This was the first time I saw Clark's mouth...empty! Just his mouth. No tube. Nothing! It was so uplifting. I watched as he fussed and stuck his wrist in his mouth, then a couple of fingers...(I took a picture...will post later...too tired.) then I assisted and inserted his binky. He had actually been lifting and turning his head and trying to pull the canula from his nose. The pacifier seemed to, well, pacify.

So here I am, in the NICU Library, alone...and about to go horizontal for a few winks.

Great day!

Great night!

I'm so a daddy! Rock!

Daddy on Location pt 4

Forgot the best part. Dirty hobbit feet!

Daddy on Location pt 3

Daddy on Location pt 2

Daddy on Location

Who Googled This?

There's a pair of computers in the NICU Library for Preemie Parents to
peruse. Found this in the history search
Wasn't me.

The Horrible, No Good, Terribly Bad...Saturday

Alright alright, I'm exaggerating a tad. But for a fleeting moment, yesterday, it really did feel just like that. I mean for like a few minutes. Maybe not even minutes. A minute. Okay seconds. Shoot, time just dissolves when you feast your eyes upon this face.



I guess there was no blog yesterday, cuz we just plain didn't feel like it. It wasn't anyone's fault. There wasn't really anything wrong with Clark. We just felt like all of our energies really needed to be poured into loving our son yesterday. We didn't want to share that with anyone. Yesterday had to be ours.
I guess you could say we made the mistake of, yesterday morning, having a couple of friends over. Very dear and lovely friends we've known for a long time. Friends who have a one year old son of their own. A cute, chubby, rambunctious, ball of deliciousness...not attached to any wires...able to be picked up and cuddled at any time...no nurses to interfere...no fear of desats or bradys...not enclosed in a plexi-glass chamber...but a good ole fashioned one year old boy, squoze out from a delivery that, let's just say, very different from our own.

The longer the visit, the greater my weight of jealousy. Both for Christy and I found it very difficult to be around all three of them.

(I love you guys...I say this with the greatest affection, as parents I'm sure you understand, but I could not wait for you to leave.)



We raced to the hospital, with myself, growing more and more annoyed by almost every driver I passed. I swear, sometimes I think I'm the only person in this town that knows how to drive. SIDENOTE: for my fellow Los Angeles drivers, please make the following part of your daily routine - 1. Please signal when preparing to turn, and if you're turning right, get the heck over into the far RIGHT lane if you insist on slowing to a cautious crawl before making said turn. 2. Get off your friggin' phone! You all drive slower when you do so and are part of the problem...be part of the solution. I swear I'm going to spend a day on a street corner, video taping drivers as they talk and text and drive. I will have hours of footage. 3. Drive the friggin' speed limit. I swear, it's been Drive 5 - 7 Miles Under the Speed Limit week. What is UP with that? And last but not least 4. Yield is not the same as a Stop sign!

I digress. We got to the hospital just fine and who was waiting for us, but Mister Clark Otis. All our angst, jealousy, and despair dissolved. Christy had some lengthy skin to skin, partially interrupted by a quick snot suction (of Clark, not Christy) and then a rest-worthy afternoon of parent-son bliss.

Christy and I treated ourselves to a Guiness (dark beer helps the milk production) at a quiet pub in our hood and retired.

Today, I sit by Clark's side, having just read chapter 5 of HP and the Chamber of Secrets. Tonight, I head for Santa Barbara to act in a pal's short film. We'll shoot all morning and afternoon then I'll whisk back to the 90210 to see my boy! More to come!

Bay Change

Didn't post yesterday. Ya'll must have bittin' off all your fingernails. Alas, all is well. As you can see from the video below, Clark received a couple of surprises. First was a bay change. He was in two...now he's in four, with some other, more stable, babies. This is a good thing. It means he's doing well and they can move him in with other babies who are also doing well. Yay!

Then, the second surprise. Christy and I both noticed that his little left foot wasn't just chunkier, but a tad swollen. Turns out his PIC line was crimped up in his inner thigh, causing the swelling in his foot and in the inner thigh where the crimping occurred. They removed the line a half an hour later with ease and success. Clark is resting fine and continues to be 'fed' with IV and even his ccs of momma's milk are back up to a healthy dose. Thanks to continuous love and heart beams, he continues to thrive...and with hope, he will not have to have the PIC line re-installed.

Back to the Giraffe