Grr

Holding your infant son on your chest, watching his face turn a sick, ash-color, while two nurses you've never seen before rush in front of you, wiggling him vigorously, encouraging him to breathe…is not fun. Just in case anyone wants to try it. Not fun.
Another day of 'normal preemie behavior'. He truly is my little Superman. The challenge, for me, lately, is trying not to perceive that the NICU Doctors are treating Clark as a science experiment.

So, if you're a daily reader of the Chronicles, you might already know, the Docs upped his feeds to a whopping 24ccs. Great. We want him to grow. Yet, it seems as though every time they feed him, he starts to desaturate…even brady. Yesterday was an intense episode. I was getting pissed. Like, isn't it common sense not to over-stuff yourself? To not give such a large feeding into a stomach the size of Clark's fist? I flashed back to the times I decided to binge on a medium pepperoni pizza all by myself…then, shortly after, writhing in over-stuffed agony on my couch, cursing my gluttony and definitely felt like holding my breath and passing out would take away the pain.
Soooo, why do the equivalent to a preemie?! Not just a preemie…my preemie.

(Sigh)

Alright. I cried. I raged. I dealt. It's over. I reminded myself that just like you and I are completely different in biology, like you're allergic to shellfish and I am not, every baby is unique. Clark's situation is different from every baby that comes into the NICU and must be treated as such. It's obvious, the Docs are doing what they feel is in Clark's best interest. They even reduced Clark's feeds a bit, recognizing that 24ccs might be too much for him right now. He does digest it all, but perhaps a full tummy combined with a need to stool, and an uncomfy position, equals bradys and desats. I understand it's all part of figuring out the best recipe for Clark to grow.

There was a year or so when, for some reason, I became terrified of flying. I would obsess: "How do these things stay up here?!" Gripping the side of my too-narrow-even-for-me airplane seat, imagining a situation where the aircraft would suddenly snap in half and I would plummet into the arctic air. Then, one day I finally realized, those were just silly nightmares interfering with my daydreams. I made a decision that after every bit of turbulence, no matter how severe, if the Flight Attendants weren't worried…I wasn't worried.

I look at the nurses faces…if they're not concerned…I'm not concerned. As long as they're not wearing frowns or looks of confusion…I'm fine.

Clark had is little eyes tested today. "All looks normal. Will check again in two weeks."

Happy Six Weeks Clark!

Clark's first outfit!

Thanks to my cousins, Amber and Chelsea for this cute little shirt...won't be long till he outgrows it...

Someone else is tuckered out...

Bonding

This whole experience has been one of surrender...letting go of all my ideas of what I thought my pregnancy was going to be...all my ideas of what I thought the birth was going to be...all my ideas of what the several days after birth were going to be. Surrender. To simply allow the unfolding...to trust. The yoga is working because we have been able to do this while still maintaining a positive attitude and finding lots of joy...all while deepening our relationship to each other and as parents to our son. Speaking of being parents...I get that it is exhausting being a parent...sleepless nights, lots of letting go...lots of trust...but I am ready to do all of that from home! The constant scheduling is exhausting...I have to schedule around driving 45 minutes with my pump schedule...but also scheduling around touch times in order to be able to hold my son. SO, if I wake up at this time, then I can pump at this time, then I can shower and eat...get the hospital at this time, so that I can pump again at this time, which will be just enough time to finish so that I can hold my son at this time. And now I am to the hardest part of this whole thing for me. Not being able to simply pick up my son whenever I want. You see, I was excited about all of it, but the bonding immediately after birth through the first 6 weeks of life...that was what I was the most excited about. There is this instinctual pull to my son...it is so primal and I cannot act on it by touching him, caressing him, feeding him, kissing him. It is a longing like I have never known. Anyone who has had a premature baby, I know you understand. Of course, I know I will get to when he comes home and yadda, yadda, yadda. I can intellectualize this all I want...and be very logical and practical about it...but this is something so deep. It is beyond being able to work it out in my mind...beyond trusting in my heart that the time will come...this is animalistic and it hurts...

So, this is why the non nutritive breast feeding is so important to me...it is a bonding experience that we have not yet been able to have. I am so impressed with the lactation team and their knowledge of kangaroo care and how the bonding of baby and mom is such a huge part of a preemie baby's developmental care as well as how important it is for a mother postpartum. They get it. Clark and I get to do this Thursday morning. The point is for him to taste something for the first time...to learn to suck and to swallow...to strengthen his eyes... and to have a positive experience and one that he is more in control of...a first for him...

So, although the bonding definitely does not look like what I thought...what in life really does? I will take what I can get...embracing what is before me rather than clinging to what is behind me...

I heard a great quote recently. "Wanna have a bad day? Try arguing with reality."

Clark Otis Continues

Clark continues to thrive.

Docs boast that he's "not a priority".

Christy will begin non-nutritive feeding on Thursday (that's
right...nipple time!)

Another video is in the works!

A Gift from Garfield!!!

Among the many awesome treats we've been receiving, I wanted to share a bit that really tickled!

I've been a Garfield fan since as long as I can remember and for the last couple of years I've been working on the new animated projects, DVD movies, series, and such.

Last week we received an framed, Garfield comic strip, autographed by the man hisself, Garfield's creator, Jim Davis! Check it out!


(Jealous, Uncle Ed?!)

Just want to take this time to shout out and share some of the other fun items we've been so blessed to receive (this is off the top of my head right now, forgive me if I forget anything...oh, and a proper "thank you" will be provided to each):

MEALS! We've gotten breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, I mean home cooked meals, kids! Stuff like chicken cordon bleu, lasagnas (Garfield's fave), strogenoff, pastas, fritattas, famous egg salad, corn cakes, yummy salads, soups, salmon dinners, baskets of fruit; pears, apples, oranges, and more, chips, dip, nuts, home brewed BEER, cupcakes, and fancy home made breads, like Babka, from our pal Diana, in Virginia! Babka means "Grandma", and we were provided with three kinds: pumpkin, chocolate, and nutella! So good, we made a request for more!

CLARK CLOTHES! Most of which he won't quite fit into...yet, but lots of groovy duds for the little man! Especially love the fun, hand knitted, beanies! There's also been some monogrammed fancies, blankies, and more!

FAVORS! Pals have come over and walked Molly, fixed my leaky toilet, picked up our mail, brought groceries; hand soap, toilet paper, even kitty litter...for when the toilet paper runs out...kidding.

FUN! Creative gifts have consisted of, change for parking, stacks of $1 bills for...well, parking, Trader Joes gift cards, gas cards, lactation helping tea, stories, poetry, prayers, adding Clark to prayer lists, a "golden bubble of protection", and more cosmic, energetic healings like that!

Not to mention the deluxe array of heart beams consistently firing at Clark from all over the world! And we mean, literally, all over the world! We're so blessed!

Many thanks and love to all!

Off to see Clark-O in ten minutes! Can't wait!!!

Christy's Gonna Kill Me, But...

Couldn't resist.

Illustrated Progress

Appx 1 hour young.


5 weeks young.

The latest on Clark

Clark is doing really well. He looks amazing. They have upped his feeds to 20cc every 3 hours (just last week he was at 1cc)...they have been steadily increasing every day and he is tolerating them great! He is gaining weight every day. He is now officially 1 lb over his birth weight at 2lbs 10oz!! He is pooping on his own. They have just finished his last IV feeding, so it is all breast milk with fortifiers now-the fortifiers help by adding calories, protein, fats, etc (which is what the IV was doing). He is off the CPAP and he is super stoked about that...he cannot stand that thing. He is on nasal cannula 24/7 now and has been doing great with no Bradys, or DeSats...but since adding the fortifiers and increasing his milk volume, he is having a few episodes (all self-resolved which is good). The nurse said it is probably due the increased milk plus fortifier which can be harder to digest making him work harder, therefore lowering his heart rate, etc, etc, etc.

But all in all...he is doing really well! I get to hold him every day for a couple of hours and it is the highlight of my day. His Daddy also holds him almost daily and it is the highlight of his day too. Clark loves it...we can tell.

Oh and check out my little yogi in chin mudra...merging his individual soul with the soul of the universe...he is so in tune!


We know that all the love, prayers and heart beams from all of you is making a HUGE difference, From the bottom of our hearts...thank you!

Clark, Christy and Jason

Happy Five Week Birthday Clark Otis!!!

Oh yeah...I promised you pictures of Clark, sans mouth tube. This was on Monday night, late, shortly after tube removal. He was probably stunned at the sudden lack of cavity-object. First he explored the emptiness with the bend of his wrist, then those tiny fingers (so cute!). By the time I grabbed my camera all I was able to capture was the photo above, before he pressed up, placed himself face down, and started gumming his blanket.

I figured, maybe his binky would be more satisfying...it was.



Today's a good day. Love you Clark Otis!

Get what you need...

It has been almost a week since I have posted anything...the reason...'cause I am f'in' tired. I feel like we are running a marathon...a spiritual marathon. Everyone always says "God only gives you what you can handle"...really? Maybe there was a mix up in the filing system. Me? AGAIN? I'm kidding, please don't feel the need to give me some feel good, it's OK post. But seriously...

I have an incredible life, filled with incredible magick...an amazing family, a wonderful upbringing...I love my husband, our baby, our dog, my family, work, friends and students, our home...I guess it makes sense that in order to REALLY appreciate how blessed I am...I need to have challenges, so I can know the difference. My gratitude runs deep...my spirituality is being stretched to its outermost limits and it is challenging and beautiful all at the same time...I am feeling things I have never felt and I have been through and felt a lot! A friend the other day said..."nothing has ever been easy for you, huh?" Nope...I have had to work for every lesson...every growth...every relationship...every bit of health...but that is OK...because evidently, I can handle it...

Gotta share this funny story (although at the time it sucked...I could still see the humor through my tears)...yesterday started out great...breakfast with my girl, Nicole and then I was all set to do a car pump and then go run some errands. Side note: getting anything done outside of sleeping, eating, pumping, driving and visiting Clark is a HUGE accomplishment. Anyhoo...so, I was so prepared and ready to pump on the go and get some stuff done. Well, I tried the portable pump and it didn't work...just knowing that it HAD to be the batteries...I walked next door to a gas station and WAY overpaid for 8 batteries. Plopped them in and NOTHING...the battery pack was dysfunctional...that was all it took to set me off into a full on tantrum...and it wasn't just the fact that I now had to forgo all my errands and go home to pump, putting me to the hospital way later than I wanted...although that did really piss me off...but it was anger about the whole thing...ALL OF IT (again no need for consoling posts...I get it and am over it). I just want to share the power of releasing what's inside rather than holding onto emotions and stuffing them down which is so unhealthy and causes dis-ease and ultimately disease. See, being a yogi doesn't mean that you never feel anger...but rather is it appropriate?...can you express and then let go?...yes you can...and yes, I did. BUT WOW...it was a big one...a full on hissy fit. I was screaming and crying...I was even hoarse most of the day...NOW, that is some serious release. In the middle of it I even giggled a couple of times...because I could see the humor in it...but I just needed to express...and I just kept going and going. I had played a song earlier that morning...and since I had made the decision to just go with my anger and really feel it...I played the song again...The Rolling Stones..."you can't always get what you want...no you can't always get what you want...but if you try some time, you just might find...you get what you need..." How poetic, how true...you can't always get what you want and this is definitely not what I wanted...but I suppose it is what I need...

I was crying and giggling the whole time, it was such an amazing release...and now I am over it...moved on and now I feel great!!!! Baby Clark is doing so good...2 lbs and 8oz...now taking 10cc every 3 hours of my milk...woohoo! I get to hold him every day for 1.5-2 hours...and it is the best medicine...I'm like, "anger, what's that?????"

Daddy on Location pt 5 - The Return

Shooting was fun today. Man, I do love being on a set. My pals invited me to participate in a short film they were producing about a Dungeons and Dragons game that goes...awry. Drove up to Santa Barbara last night. Shared a large cabin with 25 other cast and crew, had some dinner, some drinks and were off to bed. With so many peeps, they allocated floor space for sleeping bags and air mattresses. It was like a military slumber party. Except the chorus of snores were not to my liking, so I moved my bedding...outside in the back of my SUV. It was cold...but it was also quiet!
Got up super freakin' early, like 7am, then spent all day atop the beautiful Santa Barbara mountains makin' movies! The views were breathtaking. Panoramic greenery, clouds, nature, blue sky! I think if I jumped up high enough, I could have touched the sun.

Speaking of touching the son...even though a good time was had, I couldn't wait to get back to see Clark. I've allowed myself to continue to work as long as I get to see my boy at least once a day. Luckily, my profession allows that luxury.

I made it back to the NICU just in time to change Clark's little diaper, take his temp...oh, heard he gained some more grams AND he's takin' in 8, count 'em, EIGHT CCs of momma's milk! Yay. It seems that the docs are pretty aggressive with him and I like it! He retains no residuals, but still hasn't pooped. He seems to like to save it up for a nice, big, payout.
And to my surprise, tonight's nurse asked if I wanted to do some skin to skin. The nurses are sooo different, you never know what each one has in store, so I was taken aback! My mind instantly jumped to the whole anti-bacterial precautions plastered about the NICU: "Well, I was out in the Santa Barbara nature all day...I did shower, so I'm clean...hm, I guess...well...YES!" Jeeze Louise, what's my problem? I DID shower, I didn't catch any cooties, and besides, the mass amounts of vitamin D I absorbed atop the mountain will probably do Clark some good.
I stripped, bare chest, and placed the little dude on me. Oh man...it just busts my buttons how amazing that feels. I got to hold him for over an hour! We talked. I told him about my day. Sang some songs to him (a little Tenacious D this time). Dozed here and there, cuz I'm pretty friggin' tired. Then, regretfully, I had to have him placed back in his Giraffe so daddy could blog and catch some ZZZs.
After I finished washing my hands...again...I returned to find that the nurse yanked the feeding tube from Clark's belly (he had already done most of it himself) in anticipation to replace it, this time more comfortably. It was loose and he was gagging on it from time to time...so her wanting to replace it was a good thing.
This was the first time I saw Clark's mouth...empty! Just his mouth. No tube. Nothing! It was so uplifting. I watched as he fussed and stuck his wrist in his mouth, then a couple of fingers...(I took a picture...will post later...too tired.) then I assisted and inserted his binky. He had actually been lifting and turning his head and trying to pull the canula from his nose. The pacifier seemed to, well, pacify.

So here I am, in the NICU Library, alone...and about to go horizontal for a few winks.

Great day!

Great night!

I'm so a daddy! Rock!

Daddy on Location pt 4

Forgot the best part. Dirty hobbit feet!

Daddy on Location pt 3

Daddy on Location pt 2

Daddy on Location

Who Googled This?

There's a pair of computers in the NICU Library for Preemie Parents to
peruse. Found this in the history search
Wasn't me.

The Horrible, No Good, Terribly Bad...Saturday

Alright alright, I'm exaggerating a tad. But for a fleeting moment, yesterday, it really did feel just like that. I mean for like a few minutes. Maybe not even minutes. A minute. Okay seconds. Shoot, time just dissolves when you feast your eyes upon this face.



I guess there was no blog yesterday, cuz we just plain didn't feel like it. It wasn't anyone's fault. There wasn't really anything wrong with Clark. We just felt like all of our energies really needed to be poured into loving our son yesterday. We didn't want to share that with anyone. Yesterday had to be ours.
I guess you could say we made the mistake of, yesterday morning, having a couple of friends over. Very dear and lovely friends we've known for a long time. Friends who have a one year old son of their own. A cute, chubby, rambunctious, ball of deliciousness...not attached to any wires...able to be picked up and cuddled at any time...no nurses to interfere...no fear of desats or bradys...not enclosed in a plexi-glass chamber...but a good ole fashioned one year old boy, squoze out from a delivery that, let's just say, very different from our own.

The longer the visit, the greater my weight of jealousy. Both for Christy and I found it very difficult to be around all three of them.

(I love you guys...I say this with the greatest affection, as parents I'm sure you understand, but I could not wait for you to leave.)



We raced to the hospital, with myself, growing more and more annoyed by almost every driver I passed. I swear, sometimes I think I'm the only person in this town that knows how to drive. SIDENOTE: for my fellow Los Angeles drivers, please make the following part of your daily routine - 1. Please signal when preparing to turn, and if you're turning right, get the heck over into the far RIGHT lane if you insist on slowing to a cautious crawl before making said turn. 2. Get off your friggin' phone! You all drive slower when you do so and are part of the problem...be part of the solution. I swear I'm going to spend a day on a street corner, video taping drivers as they talk and text and drive. I will have hours of footage. 3. Drive the friggin' speed limit. I swear, it's been Drive 5 - 7 Miles Under the Speed Limit week. What is UP with that? And last but not least 4. Yield is not the same as a Stop sign!

I digress. We got to the hospital just fine and who was waiting for us, but Mister Clark Otis. All our angst, jealousy, and despair dissolved. Christy had some lengthy skin to skin, partially interrupted by a quick snot suction (of Clark, not Christy) and then a rest-worthy afternoon of parent-son bliss.

Christy and I treated ourselves to a Guiness (dark beer helps the milk production) at a quiet pub in our hood and retired.

Today, I sit by Clark's side, having just read chapter 5 of HP and the Chamber of Secrets. Tonight, I head for Santa Barbara to act in a pal's short film. We'll shoot all morning and afternoon then I'll whisk back to the 90210 to see my boy! More to come!

Bay Change

Didn't post yesterday. Ya'll must have bittin' off all your fingernails. Alas, all is well. As you can see from the video below, Clark received a couple of surprises. First was a bay change. He was in two...now he's in four, with some other, more stable, babies. This is a good thing. It means he's doing well and they can move him in with other babies who are also doing well. Yay!

Then, the second surprise. Christy and I both noticed that his little left foot wasn't just chunkier, but a tad swollen. Turns out his PIC line was crimped up in his inner thigh, causing the swelling in his foot and in the inner thigh where the crimping occurred. They removed the line a half an hour later with ease and success. Clark is resting fine and continues to be 'fed' with IV and even his ccs of momma's milk are back up to a healthy dose. Thanks to continuous love and heart beams, he continues to thrive...and with hope, he will not have to have the PIC line re-installed.

Back to the Giraffe

Chubby Fingers

Here's a fun little sheet they have displayed at the foot of Clark's Giraffe. In case you have to squint, at the top, it reads:
"Hi my name is Clark! I (HEART) developmental care."
Wow, his first big word.
The little mad-libs begin:
"I like to: Sleep on my tummy!
Be held skin-to-skin by my parents. Just watch my position and temp."
How fun! Though I don't think he actually wrote it himself. If he did, I it would have been answers like: "I like to: rock out with my ____ out!" Or "I like to: disco, uh huh, uh huh I like it."




Here's Christy, de-fuzzing Clark's blankie!



Here's Clark's little chubby fingers! Well, chubby-er.

He's skin-to-skin-ing right now with mom, and is as cozy as a cupcake!

Another pic of Lil Miss Molly

Molly

Yes, it is 5am...and you guessed it...I am pumping. The story of my life...but that's ok...it's for my little sweetie...so it's worth every minute.... iojlrt;ejaaaaaaaaghpieawt4K....OOPS, sorry...dozed off...

So, in all the hubbub...our little precious dog, Little Miss Molly Marsden (Molly for short or Miss Molly or Lil' Miss...or any combo that we feel called to or that she is portraying that day), has so not gotten the attention from us that she once did...I mean, don't get me wrong she has LOTS of friends coming over to walk her and take care of her while we are at the hospital...but she is used to Jason and I being home a lot, walking her every day, etc. But she is AMAZING and is doing so great through all of this.

Molly is a rescue...we found her in our neighborhood, wandering the streets...took her in and tried to find her rightful owners to no avail...so she became our sweet little companion...she is such a lover...and looks like a small stuffed animal that has come to life.

The crazy thing is I had seen a similar breed of dog a few times and was very impressed with the relaxed demeanor. Jason and I had talked about getting a dog someday but felt we were too busy. Just 2 weeks before Molly walked into our life...I was hiking with Bekah and described to her the kind of dog I would like to find when we were ready to have a dog...and I pretty much described Miss Molly to a T. When she was found on the Summer Solstice...Bekah was with me...she had been running around in the streets...just 3 doors down from our house. When we pulled up, she sat down in the street and waited. I looked at Bekah and said, you remember the dog I described 2 weeks ago...Bekah said, "yep and there she is."

So, this is the story of our sweet little companion who will steal your heart...she will also be Clark's little doggie...and we can't wait for them to meet. I brought home Clark's blanket last night for Miss Molly to smell to start to get used to Clark's scent. They are going to be such buddies!!!

AND, she is, I would say the catalyst for us deciding to start a family...it just seemed like the right time once she became a part of our lives...so this post is a tribute to our Little Miss Molly...THANK YOU NICOLE for the great pics!!!

I'm one month old...watch out world

So, today is my one month birthday and I got to lie on mama's chest for 2 whole hours...happy birthday to me!

I know that I totally chose this whole journey and stuff...and it is my destiny...and blahbidy, blahbidy, blah...I get it...but boy oh boy I cannot wait to go home with my mama and daddy. AND to meet all of you!! This whole thing is gettin' on my nerves...the constant poking, prodding, loud sounds and bright lights, nasal suction, and that big honking nasal gear that just makes me so mad! Last night, my dad was right...I was very upset and I was pouting...and I get to...I am very unhappy with this whole situation...I feel like Stewie on Family Guy.

But I know what needs to be done and I am gonna do it. Breathe, eat, sleep, grow and poop. This is my mantra. Breathe, eat, sleep, grow and poop. I'll be outta here in no time...

Watch out world 'cause here I come!

Love and heart beams...
Clark

Happy St. Pattys Day Everyone!!!

Oh yeah, and Happy 4 Weeks Old to ME, dammit!!!

2 Pounds

Tonight's the first time I heard "2 pounds"! Yes, Clark has passed/reached the two pound mark. Of course, he received a blood transfusion and the extra volume has a lot to do with that, but heck I'll take what I can get.

He even looks a bit bigger.

And frickin' FEISTY! He absotutely HATES that CPAP in his nose. Every time he stirs he uses his knuckles, his elbows, ANYthing he can find to pry that device off his noggin'. Containing him from doing this is getting trickier as he is truly getting stronger. His push is more forceful, his kicks rival Bruce Lee. Tonight, after 'rounds' (temperature check, diaper change, belly measurement, weight, etc), a 'Binky' had to be administered to distract him. He accepted it right away, suckling fiercely. (Dear Christy's nipples...please prepare thy selves).
I placed his little hand on the Binky so he could hold it himself. Then with his other hand, he grabbed a the edge of his knit cap and pulled it down as hard as he could, holding a firm fist. His hand in a death grip! Dare, I say, pouting?!

Cutie pie!

I've seen the future. Clark will have some pretty strong opinions.

Yeah, he's relaxed now. Doin' fine. Perhaps, now is a good time to retire back to the homestead.

Giant Elevator Heads II

Yikes!

Giant Elevator Heads

Sittin by Clark right now. Attempting to take pictures, but really,
you might think I was posting older pics from a week ago. So I just
stopped.

Clark's back on a CPAP, receiving another blood transfusion, laying on
his back...you've all seen this image before. So as to not get
redundant and in trying to keep this blog entertaining, I've instead
posted a pic of one of the giant elevator heads that creep me the fuck
out.

Daddy and Son

Melt mama's heart! Jason held our little boy for about 1/2 hour and then laid him on my chest where he stayed for about about an hour and a half...needless to say...we are pretty blissed out today! Seeing the love of my life holding our son...definitely one of life's greatest moments...

Snug as a bug in a rug!

First Few Days of Clark

Sun, 14 Mar

More Skin to Skin

Poop Saves the Day

Dude!

Just...duuude!

Last night bunch-a-sucked! I was sooo depressed. Clark was in such a restless mood. I felt a lot of, anxiousness, nervous energy...and I was partially responsible.

Preemies can easily be overstimulated. Even the simplest of things, talking, singing, touching...if he's not in the mood, can totally wear him out. He seemed extremely fatigued and I'm pretty sure my particular attention was no help.

As soon as I exit the elevator and make that plodding walk through the hospital parking lot, the tractor beam between he and I stretches thinner, and as our distance grows, I become more lethargic and sad. I just wanna go home and curl up in bed to make tomorrow come faster. I tell you folks, I truly believe that we, the human race, are capable of communicating on a cellular level...like a phone. Not to be all hippy-dippy, but it's possible. The connection is unbridled, it's there...you just have to clap your hands three times and believe!
I can, without a doubt, tell how Clark is feeling. I can tell when he's enjoying my singing. I can tell when he doesn't want to be touched. I can tell when he's chilled out and happy. I can tell when he's pissed. It's actually pretty awesome!

Today, Christy and I were chomping at the bit to get to the hospital. Could...not...wait...to get here. And here I sit, still. Been here since 10am and so far, at 7:10pm, have no desire to leave. We declared that we both truly love coming to the hospital to sit by Clark's Giraffe-side (Oh yeah, FYI, he is actually NOT in an isolette, like I kept mentioning but in an isolette-looking device called a Giraffe).

This afternoon, I had left for an audition and came back an hour later to find Christy, with a pleading look on her face, as if she just witnessed a car accident. I'll get it out of the way, Clark is fine...you can all exhale and continue reading! Shortly before I walked in, he had a pretty bad bradycardia episode. Between Christy and the nurse, it was described to me that he was out for an uncomfortably long time. His levels dropped rapidly! His color turned a bizarre ash-yellow. The nurses had to furiously provide suction, in between pumping air into his chest with a hand held CPR device. Thank the goddess, he came back! After they removed a blob of goo that had accumulated from the secretions at the back of this throat. This goo caused the obstruction and the little dude couldn't breathe.

Ya. Fuckin' scary. (Sorry Bailey, if you're reading this.)

It's all good. After hearing and processing all that 'fun' info, comforting Christy while trying not to re-live the event, and seeing Clark just chillin' like nothing happened...this "low" quickly passed. Though not without an enormous residual footprint of minor devastation.
Christy went off to pump and I got to participate in Clark's rounds. Taking his temperature, changing his diaper...which is when I was met with the most uplifting moment of the day...he had pooped! I got to clean a GLOB of poop off his tiny little bum! Ya, I know, I know...but this moment made me giddy as a school boy! First, I was astounded at the color and texture. (TMI alert!!!) Remember dilophosaurous 'spit' from Jurassic Park?





Yeah, it's kinda like that.

Anyway...cleaning up his mess, watching him pee all over hisself (15 year old Clark, from the future, if you're reading this...sorry), was exactly the pick me up I needed! Once he was all situated with a new diaper and a new position...he's been snug like a bug in a rug the rest of the day. Clearly the removal of mucous and the release of his bowels, transformed fidgety, anxious, upset Clark, into cozy, rosy, and chill Clark!

He even got hisself a new hat!



Thanks Mary-Ellen! He loves it!!!

Wednesday's Daily OM

Daily OM is a website that sends inspirational emails daily. This was Wednesday's message:

Anything Can Be Overcome:
Hope in Hardship

There is nothing in our life that cannot be overcome with time, love, friendship and attention to the matter.

The journey that each human being makes through earthly existence can have hardship as often as it is touched by joy. When we encounter adversity, the stress we feel can erode our optimism, eventually convincing us that the issues we face cannot be overcome. In truth, there is no situation so dire, no challenge so great, and no choice so bewildering that it cannot be overcome. Though we may believe that all avenues have been closed to us or that our most conscientious efforts will come to naught, we are never without feasible options. The best course of action may be veiled in doubt, but it is there. When we are honest with ourselves with regard to this simple fact, we can overcome anything because we will never stop looking for a solution to the challenges before us.

Self-trust coupled with a sturdy plan is the ultimate antidote to adversity's tendency to inspire disillusionment in the human mind. As difficult as the obstacle plaguing you seems, it is no match for the love of a supportive universe that has been a part of your life since the day of your birth and will be with you forevermore. Try not to be misguided by your fear as this gives rise to the notion that there are problems without solutions. If you believe in your capabilities and dedicate yourself to the creation of some form of resolution, you will be surprised to discover that paths that were once closed to you miraculously open. Even if all you can do is change your perspective to turn an impediment into an opportunity to grow, you will have found the hope that is an inherent element of all hardship.

Remember that your destiny is a product of your own creation. Even when it seems you have nowhere left to turn, there is a solution waiting for you. The only insurmountable obstacles are the ones you create in your own mind and these can only exert power over you if you let them. Uncertainty will always be a part of your existence, but perseverance and mindfulness will never fail to see you through to the other side of hardship where joy can thrive. Try and remember that no matter what life places at your feet, there is absolutely no situation that cannot be resolved with time, love, and friendship.

Almost 2 pounds!

That's right..our little sweetheart is almost 2 pounds...1 lb 15 oz to be exact. He is doing really well. They took him off the nasal CPAP (the big scuba looking gear) because his poor little nose was swollen and bruised from it. He is now on the nasal cannula which is so much more comfy for him. It does provide less O2 but he is doing great on it! YAY Clark!! Lessee, what else? Oh, he is still having a hard time figuring out the whole poop thing. They have to give him a suppository. Hopefully he can figure that out soon! THINK POOP! Hee, hee!

The hardest part about going to see him is leaving to come home. Often times, Jason and I will be eating dinner and contemplating going right back over to see him again. This is approximately 15 minutes after we get home. We cannot wait till the day he gets to come home with us...but that's OK, he is where he needs to be, doing exactly what he needs to be doing. And we are here supporting him, loving him and giving him all the positivity we have...

When I first arrived today, Clark was very alert...I put my hand in and as I bent over to look in his incubator and extended my pinky, he wrapped his little hand tightly around it and looked directly into my eyes...for 10 minutes. Now, I was contorted in the most uncomfortable position, but I was not about to leave his gaze. It was the most incredible moment. I talked to him and told him how proud we are of him, how much we love him, and how it is an honor to come see him everyday and pump milk for him...and how we wouldn't change a thing. It was like he was looking deep into my soul and it rocked my world. We found out that even at that age, they can see 12 inches in front of them (basically, elbow to eye-the breastfeeding distance). I know he really saw me today. And again, I fell a little more in love. I am discovering that there are no limits to the heart's capacity for love...it really is all there is...

Best Day

Got to hold little mister for an hour! We're so buddies!
Happy THREE WEEK Birthday, Clark!

Clark's Bender

From Clark

Hi everyone...so I decided that I want to get in on the action and do my own post. First of all...I cannot wait to meet y'all (I may not have been born in TN like my momma, but I do get my accent from her!) My momma and daddy sure do have lots of really great friends out there...thanks for being so nice and loving to them...and to me! I feel real special and so loved and ya know what...it sure does help me to grow big and strong...all those heart beams...WHOA!

So, a lot of you have asked where I got my name from...and many think it is from Superman...ya know, like Clark Kent, cause my daddy's a big super hero fan (more about that below)...but, nope...it's from my Pappy (that's my momma's daddy). Ya see, he passed away just over 2 years ago and my momma loved him with all her heart and is real sad that he is not around to meet me. She tells me all about him. I don't have the heart to tell her that I already know all about him 'cause he is the one that is here watching over me when my momma and daddy leave the hospital every night (along with my daddy's nana). I love my pappy very much...and am super proud to be named after him. Clark was his middle name. Momma says he would have been real proud and would have told everyone he met that his grandson was named after him. Well, I know first hand he IS proud! So, my momma and daddy thought my middle name would be Clark...and really didn't put too much thought into it because they just knew I was a girl...and so did everyone else...they all said "I feel girl"...there were a couple of people who thought I was a boy...but most people just knew I was a girl...SURPRISE! When momma and daddy found out I was a boy...they decided immediately that Clark would be my first name. As they were driving home, my daddy thought about his grandpa who was a huge part of his upbringing...his middle name was Otis. There you have it...Clark Otis...a good ole' southern name...and I think it fits me just fine!

Back to the Superman thing...well, like I said, my daddy is a HUGE super hero fan...but his obsession is with BATMAN. You should see his collection. I can't wait to get my hands on some of those action figures! And although they are all wrapped up real nice in their original package...I bet ya if I give him a really sweet look and remind him of my NICU days...he'll buckle and let me tear into one of those collectibles...I can't wait!!!

I am doing really good at breathing on my own...I just sometimes forget or get tired..but I usually am able to remember all by myself and all the nurses and doctors here are real proud of me! I got to lay on my momma's chest yesterday and today. It is my favorite time...she is so warm and I feel so comfy and safe...ahhh! She chants all my favorite chants that she used to when I was in her belly and it makes me really happy and relaxed. I did a good job and didn't D-Sat once the whole time! And tomorrow, get this...I get to lay on my daddy's chest...yippee! He is the best daddy in the whole world...he reads to me and talks to me and loves me so much...I can't wait to play with him.

I am tolerating momma's milk and the nurses are real happy about that. They say it is the best nutrition I can get. It will help me grow and fight off infection...all sorts of good stuff. I'm doing my very best to get healthy and strong so I can go home with momma and daddy...

Well, I better get back to my sleeping and growing thing...I love you all very much and thank you for sending me your love and your heart beams. They make me feel so good. And thank you for taking care of my momma and daddy and sending them heart beams...they love you all very much too...

Love,
Clark Otis

Hello folks!
Alright, what to blog about?

Oscars? I thought Alec and Steve were funny. Go 'Up'! Go Jeff Bridges! Go 'Hurt Locker'! Not my fave of 2009, but glad to see that 'Avatar' and James Cameron didn't receive another 'Titanic' sweep. Personally, it should have been 'Inglorious Basterds' all the way. Congrats Christoph Waltz. I know you're reading this.

Parking lot. This morning, some dude tried to claim my already claimed parking spot. This is the second time this has happened. Pisses me off the audacity and lack of common sense in my fellow human beings. Eh, that's a blog for another time.

How about the dire looking parents I've seen? Not just in the NICU, but the new arrivals, one floor below, who are just going into labor. It puzzles me how they, especially dad's, look so damn sullen. I mean, I get it. Believe me, I get it. Thank you 'television and movies' for making birth so horror-movie-frantic! It's so easy to make a different choice about it, I...no, wait, that too is for another blog.

Lessee, there are the giant heads in the hospital elevators that creep me out (pics to come).

I could just go on and on at how transfixed I am at Clark's hands and fingers. He makes these gestures. I can only describe it as if he were a super villain, in the middle of unleashing a powerful monologue. "And then the world...will be MINE!" They are so expressive. I mimic him every time he does it, hoping that I'll somehow lock into what he's thinking while he's doing this. I took some video. With my 'good' camera. It takes some time to upload and configure, but I'm working on it and will post soon.

Sorry haven't had pictures today or yesterday, thought I'd respect Clark's privacy. He's been very upset. I could feel his anger yesterday. He was kind of on the same plane as his mom. Poor Christy had a pretty dark Saturday evening. The culmination of emotions, the new every-three-hour pump schedule, the helplessness, all volcanoed into an eruption of tears. Poor thing. I could not be beside her at that moment. I felt less like super-husband, but I knew she needed to rage and I needed to shower. But man, once we set eyes on that little boy, all our worries and angst just dissolves. Yes, Clark was a little more than fussy after a few days of having a tube shoved unceremoniously down his throat, then, as you might have read, yanked back out (I embellish, actually, Tony, the NICU ventilator specialist is a charm and quite gentle). Needless to say, Clark lost a few grams as he flailed his little limbs with passion.

This morning we arrived with shocking news that there was a possible infection and if we were to touch Clark, we would first have to put on latex gloves and a paper gown. Bummer! Luckily, nearly 10 minutes after this news was given, the Docs found out there was no infection and it was business as usual. Christy was even able to get some skin on skin for like an hour. He just melts into her when this happens. He brady'ed a couple of times during, but there didn't seem to be any cause for concern. When he was returned to the incubator he and I had a little heart to heart, which went something like this:

How's it goin, buddy? I know this sucks. But you're good. You're so good. What do you need? You just let me know and I'll make it better. You want to cry? You go ahead and scream. Get it out. Sometimes it feels good to hurt. It's cleansing. You have something to say? We're here to listen. You wanna play? We'll go to Disneyland. You want to dance? We'll put on some records. You wanna kiss some girls? You can kiss all the girls you want. Kiss a lot of girls! You want to ask a question? We'll help you figure out an answer. You want a hug? You want some love? We got boat loads. (His little eyes struggled open and looked around with purpose) That's right buddy, it's your dad. How are those eyes workin'? I love you so freakin' much!

Well, Christy and I got home rather early, were treated to some very nourishing acupuncture, will now feast on more home cooked goodness, then maybe stretch in front of the boob tube before conking out. All for now. Much more to come folks!

Short and sweet

Just wanted to send a quick update...

Clark is doing good. They extubated him today, meaning they took him off the respirator and he is back on CPAP. We had a moment today. On Friday, one of his doctors said: "OK, so we're going to keep Clark intubated all weekend. If anyone says they are going to extubate (which they won't), but if they do, tell them no!" These were his exact words. Today, another doctor came in and said they were going to extubate. So, immediately Jason and I jumped up and told her what the other doctor had said. Her response was basically. "It doesn't matter what he said, I am his boss. Clark is doing really well and the less time we keep him intubated the better." Of course, we don't like seeing a tube shoved down Clark's throat or hearing the rasping sound in his lungs from the respirator, but why would a doctor say that and put us in that position? It was pretty confusing and frustrating as we stood there trying to stand up for our little guy, but not knowing the best solution. We mentioned this to our pediatrician and he basically said. "This is the non-exact science of medicine." So, evidently conflicting views and statements from different doctors each shift is something we have to look forward to for months...yippee...

He gained weight yesterday and then lost today. He expended a lot of calories during the extubation and now his is back to doing more of the work on his own. It is to be expected. He seemed pretty ticked off at his predicament today. Very fussy and feisty but so adorable! We spent all day with him and tried to console him in the only way we know how...offering lots of love, conversation, reading, gentle touch through the little portholes and long bouts of staring...just watching him breath...sending every bit of love we have to him...

We came home to another delicious meal from a dear friend...and settled in to watch the oscars...I was fast asleep within 15 minutes...

Mmmmm. Just had a massage. Neeeded that. Thank you Kellie-ma!

If it's possible to glut out on love, then forgive me goddess, for I have sinned!

Last night was the celebration of our beloved yoga studio. Yoga Blend, our first 'child', turned 5 on Thursday. And so far, she's matured into a nice, healthy, progressive, fully functioning entity. Yes, I know, that's pretty big for 5, but as one of our lovely studio managers put it...we're counting it in doggie years. Love ya Bek!

Yes, celebration! We were honoured with Daniel Stewart, good pal, great yoga teacher, and co-owner of Rising Lotus Yoga in Sherman Oaks...and kick ass kirtan performer. He brought his band of merry musical healers along to enlighten, abuzz, and spread love to our Blenders. He also dedicated the evening's performance to our little boy!

Here's a bit of Daniel doing his thing at his studio New Years Eve. FYI, I did not shoot this vid. Excuse the poor camera work and focus on the music.



Besides nurses, doctors, and Preemie Parents, last eve was the first time we've really seen...well, anybody. Occasionally, we'd be home long enough to see a random stop-by, delivering us dinner, lunch, or a hug; but we finally emerged into Yoga Blend, together, as parents! We were literally greeted with cheers! The amount of amour shooting as us was staggering. Heart Beams were bouncing all over us like a disco ball! We visited, hugged, and laughed with many of our most beloved and familiar faces. Then it was off to Shakti (name of one our yoga rooms) for Daniel's kirtan!

Sitting behind his harmonium, Daniel began. His soft voice spoke thought provoking words of dedication for community, love, and family. Singling out Clark Otis as a catalyst for the evening's theme. He was flanked by three lovely Sirens, a pair of percussionists, a bassist (DARBY!!!), acoustic guitar, and a violin! Our Aussie pal, David, set up mood lights of red and green, and a laser light device that projected billions of little green 'stars' dancing slowly over an LED 'milky way'.
The harmonium breathed. The kirtan began. Slow and smooth, instantly producing vibrations too strong to ignore. Soon, the energy began to build, then rocketed with tremors of bliss! People were chanting along. Singing out! I pounded the drum between my knees and watched gleefully at Blenders dancing, smiling, gushing, evoking, dare I say, exploding with happy!

Now you know when you see a live musical performance and one of the artists takes a solo, or the group suddenly melds itself into a cohesive unit. The synergy is unmistakable. You can't look away. You're literally pulled towards the magic like a tractor beam. There was a moment like that last night. A long, heavy, psychedelic moment where everyone in the room was one. We were surrounded by a clear, glittery, bubble of warmth. Nothing could hurt us. We were family.
And my eyes welled up, because the only thing that would have made that moment so much more caramel, was to have Clark wedged between Christy and I. Little he, sitting on a bolster, wearing some funky little yoga pants, a Burning Man style vest, a bindi on his little forehead underneath a mop of electrified hair darting in all sorts of directions, a shaker in his hand, grooving, entranced along with us.

When it was all over. I was exhausted! I couldn't even summon the energy to say a proper goodbye to everyone. Christy and I gave parting hugs to whom we could, then stole away home.
The car ride seemed more like a magic carpet ride. We basked in the fortune of the people we have in our lives, not believing it could be real.

I loved my Nana. I miss her so much. When we moved to California to find our fortune, I always looked forward to visiting with her. Sometimes I would treat her with fine gifts or take her places or send her money just because. In thanks and appreciation, she would always tell me that "Something real good is going to happen to you." She would say it almost in a "Here's lookin' at you kid." kinda tone. Funny gal, that Nana.

Last night, was one of those real good somethings I'm sure she was talking about.

Jai Clark, jai Clark, jai jai Clark!!!

I now pronounce thee...our son!!!

Just a little perspective. That's my wedding ring.

Just Sayin' "Hi."

Celebration

5 years ago my 8 year dream of opening my very own yoga studio came true...my dear sweet husband is the reason I was able to pursue this dream...and now here we are celebrating 5 years of a dream that has far exceeded my expectations in every way. The people that have come into my life...the love, the support, the community...it is absolutely beautiful...and so humbling. To wake up every day excited to do what I love to do and share what has and continues to shape my life in the most positive of ways with some of the most amazing people I have ever met...grateful doesn't even begin to cover what I feel...there are no words powerful enough...Happy Anniversary to Yoga Blend! So, tonight, Jason and I will go and join with others in celebration through Kirtan (call and response devotional singing) with so many incredible spirits...all uniting our voices and honoring the divine in each and every one of us...in the world around us...known and unknown, masculine and feminine, sun and moon, shiva and shakti...

But tonight is so much more...we are celebrating the birth of our sweet little son as well...our warrior prince. The love between Jason and I created this big, gigantic soul (which is currently in a tiny little body) and there is nothing sweeter...the love we have has always been strong...but now it knows no bounds...

Clark is doing so much better now that he has be intubated. He is able to rest which he so desperately needed to do...he is just too little to be working that hard...and now that he is not working so hard to breath, he can actually go back on my milk which is so good for him. He also got a blood transfusion today because his blood count was low. Talking to other NICU parents, the transfusion does wonders for the babies. Unfortunately, Jason was not a match...but the docs say there is virtually no difference in direct donor (family) and blood bank. In fact, they say most dad's have CMV positive blood which they cannot give to preemies anyway. I, however, am an exact match with Clark...but I cannot donate for another 6 weeks because of the surgery.

It is all good and he is in good hands...they are taking such good care of him...and we are giving him all the heart beams we can...

So, tonight we celebrate...because there is so much to be grateful for...

Blogging by the Bedside 2

This time, I got me laptop. Easier to blog heartfelt words this way, than the tiny touchscreen letters of a cell phone.

Yeah. Heavy day for sure. I came in after work, full of emotion. Helplessness does seep in.
I shared some heartfelt words with him. Sorry...private. Read another chapter of 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone'. I sang "I'm Yours" again to him. Dunno why that seems to be his theme. It was the first song that popped into my head two weeks ago when I felt the urge to sing to him. I'm sure Jason Mraz did not intend for it to be a parent-preemie song, but the words work for me.

'I said you done done me, and you bet I felt it
I tried to be cool, but you're so hot that I melted'

Man that's how he makes me feel. Wow.

'I won't hesitate, no more
no more,
this is our fate,
I'm yours'

That's right buddy boy, your mom and I are so yours.

Okay, update. His 'blood gas' has been coming back "very good". That is good news. No infection. Clark also hasn't had a bradycardia episode since the intubation. Also good. Stubborn little guy didn't want any help breathing...but he had to succumb. Thought he could "do bad all by hisself'. Hm. Wonder if this is a challenge we'll repeatedly experience with him as he gets older. Heck, I still do it. Christy does it. It's hard feeling super human in a human body. The 'chip' seems to be resembling the 'old block'.

Feeling really antisocial today. Do not want to inflict my pain on any 'unsuspecting peoples'. But you can't help interacting with fellow PPs (Preemie Parents) here in the NICU , and truly, the one's we've bonded with so far have always been a delight to see. I got my spirits lifted a mite a little while ago in the 'Library', but I could not wait to stand, vigil, over my boy.

He's got an IV in each wrist. A central line below his left knee, traveling up his leg into his chest. A monitor on his right foot. The poor guy's appendages are currently unable for use. The intrusive intubation tube is down this gully along with thinner feeding tube. His eyes are covered. Though I imagine his nose must be singing a chorus of relief for not having that pesky CPAP device up his nostrils.

He's eliminating.

Okay we're all friends here...he's pooping. He definitely seems more relaxed. As relaxed as you can be, hooked up like a marionette. He'll twitch and fuss occasionally. Still feisty which is good to see.

And I can't help it...he just looks so beautiful.



His diaper will be changed in a bit. Looking forward to that.

I'm sitting by Clark, now. Looking at him. I just watched this evening's night nurse implement a tiny IV to his left hand and extract blood. It's funny. I used to be pretty queasy at the sight of blood. I think I got that from you, Mom! Dunno if it's all the horror movies I've absorbed. Or the desensitisation of what your eyes can stumble upon in mass media, but stuff I used to find gross, I now find gross with fascination.



When I was four. I was hit by a car. I snuck out of my backyard to have some naughty fun at the playground across the street. 'Look both ways before you cross the street', is what I was taught. Perhaps my young brain thought that the act of turning your head right and left was a universal signal to alert cars of your crossing. Or perhaps I didn't look at all, but I do remember the street being empty. Next thing I knew, I was surrounded by people. An ambulance, the medics, the little girl in her softball uniform who I saw playing with her friends. My mother, standing over me. I don't remember feeling any pain or having any sort of repercussions from the event. Just phone calls from relatives who reminded me how silly I was for doing what I did. (Yeah, no shit guys!)
From my mother's point of view, I was found face up in a pool of blood. My mother, who I remember being unsettled by a fake wound on an actor I was working with, on an episode of Tales from the Crypt, even after she saw the make-up applied, knowing it was fake, could not handle the gore. She will tell you that seeing her son, crumpled from the impact of a car, somehow turned her stomach and her will...to iron!

I do not ever want to see Clark in any pain or misfortune. But I know that there is a new part of me now that will be strong for him if misfortune should ever arise. Strong like iron.

And then there's the valley...

They told us there would be the lows...and today is one of them...so, it is time to gather all the love and strength we have and pull it together for our little boy...tears are behind my eyes...and there are not due to fear, but rather helplessness...not being able to take care of my son physically (but energetically....I am rocking it for him!!!)...it breaks my heart...but thank goodness for the amazing doctors and nurses of NICU...they are able to take care of him...and Clark's pediatrician...Dr. Efron, who is so darn sweet...he comes in every day to check on Clark and calls me to update...and always, always, greets me with smile and a hug...a good man. He was referred to me by Dr. Rothbart (the OB who delivered Clark)...they are actually best friends and went to high school together. They are both amazing! So, I must get my ego mind out of the way...the one that says I should be taking care of him...and just send him all the love I have..this is how I can take care of him...giant heart beams to you baby boy...giant, vibrant, sparkling, radiant, heart beams.

Clark did gain some weight and is at his highest yet...a whopping 805 grams (1 lb 12 oz). High! And then there's the lows...although Clark is digesting my milk with no residuals...he is not eliminating it...still not pooping...they are having to help him out with suppositories...which they don't want to do for too long as then he will come to rely on them and not develop the necessary functioning of the elimination organs...his belly is fully and showing 'loops' (where you can see the organs outlined on the belly)...so, they have taken him off the feeds once again and he is back to the IV. Also, the feeds could contribute to this next part. Lots of episodes of As, Bs and Ds as they call it. Apnea-forgetting breath, Brady-lowered heart rate and D-Saturation-lowered O2 levels...SO, they have put him back on the back-up to the CPAP...which basically gives him bursts of air in case he forgets. They are discussing intubating him, which is basically a ventilator that will do the breathing for him. They want him to work, but not too hard. He is getting lots of tests today, to make sure there is no infection, to check his blood, etc, etc. They want to make sure what is happening is just him being premature and not something else. He may be anemic...which will lead to a blood transfusion. Jason donated yesterday and we are hoping for a match...will know in a couple of days. And, his jaundice is kicking in again...so back under the lights he goes.

SO, today is a valley...today is a low. I must continue to breath slow and deep. Focus on the positive...Clark needs our love and our strength. Life is always handing us obstacles and the yoga is to have deep faith (sraddha) that despite the obstacles...we can achieve the goal of samadhi, complete absorption...with this life...our son...this moment...while also looking forward to the day we get to bring him home, healthy and happy....we must remember it no matter what...
Sraddha virya smriti samadhi prajna purvaka itaresam...

And this is why things like my husband's pumping post are so necessary to show that we still have a sense of humor in all this and we are just taking it one day at a time...

Om shanti, shanti, shantihi...in everything peace...

Only slightly mortified

If I didn't love my husband so much and honor his need to express in his own unique way...I might be humiliated...but such is life and it is one of the zillion reasons I love him so much...his sense of humor...and we have to have fun in all this...else we go insane...but no matter what...NO PICTURES!

Happy 2 Week Birthday Clark Otis!!! (meant to publish this yesterday)

So today's blog will be about...pumping!
(WARNING: Might contain heavy doses of TMI - Too Much Info)

For those who've followed every single post (this will be 49), you will remember my regard of Christy's breast pumping as 'fascinating'! Now I, gleefully, explain to you why.

After Clark was born, almost immediately and as soon as Christy had the strength to sit up, she was advised to begin the producing breast milk. The first technique consisted of the 'Extraction Method'. Manually massaging each breast, in what the Lactation Consultant called 'press and compress'. To me, looked more like, 'squish and squeeze'.

By the way, how does one become a 'Lactation Consultant'? Is this something someone aspires to? Is it a job that men can wean their way into...pun intended. How do you introduce yourself at parties? I digress.

Also immediately, and here comes the fun part, the 'hospital approved' breast pump was introduced! Here it is right here. For those unfamiliar, this pleasant-yellow, contraption's soul purpose is to, well, suck air at such a pressure that when it's placed upon the nipple, aides in extracting the milk.
As you might have seen from the picture, from the yellow base are two, thin, clear tubes, about 3 or 4 feet in length. The tubes attach to matching extraction devices that look a lot like clear motorcycle handlebars with the end of a trumpet attached to the top. The trumpet bits are placed on the breast, the suction extracts the milk and 'swallows' it into a nifty attached container (handlebars). NOTE: the one's in the link looks rounded and whimsical. The containers Christy has are more cylindrical and officious. Just trying to be thorough here.

Okay okay, here's the really real fun part. When the trumpets are attached and the suction begins, it's the steady, rhythmic, pulsating of her nipples that has me captivated. Imagine those old Tex Avery cartoons, where the male dog sees a cute female dog and his eyes bug out super far! It's kinda like that, but on repeat! Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Excited! Not excited. Wow! Ooh. Wow! Ooh. Meep! Fyoop. Meep! Fyoop! Yes, it's hard to not want to make sound effects when I'm watching. I think I can hypnotize myself if I stare too long.

OMG, here's another batch of fun. The milk production itself! So, at first, Christy was only producing colostrum. Little drips before the eventual mother load. The drips were so few that we couldn't believe the machine would be enough to swallow them into the containers. So we developed a system. With trumpets attached, I would be at the ready with a spare container. When a drop would produce,Christy would release the device and I would be there to catch or scoop up the drop; collecting it neatly in the container and guaranteeing it's capture!
At one point I turned it into a game, commenting on each drip as it produced, like a track announcer at a horse race! "Annnnd right out of the gate, it's Boob Number One! Look at that drop! Magnificent! Boob Number Two, Righty, seems shy at the start but clearly anxious to catch up. Left Boob has a good drop, aaaand we got it! Oop, here comes Righty, catching up...got it! Left Boob is hitting a fierce stride, just look at that production! Got it! But wait, Righty is starting to feel the competition! It's a definite back and forth..."
Yeah, that just tickled us.
Eventually, when it got to pumping at like 4am, the game went from track announcer to just going: "Right...left...right..."

Now, the piece de resistance! To make Christy's job a little easier, we caught wind of a special breast pump bustier. A special bra with holes, perfect access for the trumpets, so Christy could now pump...hands free! So instead of looking like she's about to take flight, she can pump and read, pump and blog, pump and sip coffee...anything!
As you see, the trumpet ends of the device are inserted into the holes in the bra. At this point, before the rest of the device is attached, she looks like a Femme Bot. Once she's hooked up she's ready to go...even on the go!
Yesterday, to save some time and hug two birds with one arm, if you will (like my kind variation of a very cruel metaphor? You can take it), I installed the pump in my car, utilizing a nifty AC adapter, and Christy was literally pumping on the way to the hospital! Camouflaging her bare bosom with a lovely scarf, no one on the 101 was the wiser! And Clark was able to receive the freshest of fresh breast milk!

I wish she would let me take pictures and post them here for all to see, but I guess that would be for my amusement and not for hers. But thank you baby, for letting me blog about it. Truly, for me, one of the highlights of this whole shebang.

As long as I'm on a roll, I'll conclude with this one more bit of TMI. Can't wait for breast milk cookies!

Yesterday's Touch Time

High on Love

I got to hold my boy today...I got to hold my boy today...hip, hip, hooray!

So, today when we arrived in the NICU...Vangie, Clark's nurse for the day, asked if I wanted to do skin on skin...to which I quickly replied, "YES!" I was so excited I could barely stand it. Jason was with me and we anxiously waited as they lowered the bed and pulled up a rocker for me to sit in. We kept looking at each other with big grins. They put Clark on my chest, with his little legs and feet going down into my top. He had a brady episode right at the beginning...but they just woke him up, repositioned him and he begin to snuggle in. After a few minutes of crying, trying to adjust to his new position, Jason put the tiniest little binky in his mouth which he took immediately and begin to calm...and settle in even more. Jason was kneeling down beside us and the 3 of us...our little family...fell a little more deeply in love. Clark was so cozy and happy...and it gave me so much peace to be able to hold him and feel his breath, to feel his pulse...to feel him safely in my arms...

Every time alarms go off in the NICU, it has been instinctual for us to quickly look up at Clark's monitors to see if it is him that needs assisting. We named this phenomenon "ding, dong, twitch." When little Clark was on my chest for almost 2 1/2 hours, I never had to look at the monitors because I could FEEL that he was OK. He was so content that he moved into deep sleep...which is when they do the most growing...and he didn't have another brady/apnea episode during our entire time together and for several hours after...

So, Jason and I have been on cloud 9 ever since...feeling so high on the love we have for each other and our little boy...it was perfect. Getting to hold him is the best feeling. Even though I had to got to the bathroom...even though my bum was numb and my arms were tingling...I did not move...I could have stayed there for hours. I chanted the same chant I used to when I was pregnant with Clark. He relaxed even more...it was magic...

Am currently stoned with the mushy gushy cloud walkin strawberry chocolate feelin' of L O V E! You'll see why in a few. Stay tuned...

Mothers of Preemies...

One of the 'veteran' parents at the NICU left me a card yesterday. She is one of the ones that held me as I cried the first time I ever met her...actually within the first 30 seconds of meeting her. I wanted to share what was in the card as it moved me deeply...
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Did you ever wonder how mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth,
selecting his instruments for propagation
with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take note in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins.
Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby to a mother who
knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown
in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.
"I watched her today. She has a sense of self and independence
so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you"
God smiles.

"No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect.
She has just the right amount of selfishness"
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that virtue?"

God nods.

"If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with child less than perfect.

She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see---
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice---
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel,
his pen poised in the air. God smiles.
"A mirror will suffice."